Hiking - Feeling Down

Good Morning Blog,

Today I took my leave a month ago because my friend can only go for a hike on weekday and since my weekends were preoccupied for some weekend-programs. I will go for a good long hike.

Beautiful weather!

But... Things just went South...

My friend can't turn up (why I feel like a norm... different friend though but same ending) today. Seriously... Sometimes... I really don't know how to feel now...

I tell myself, Never Mind! I shall not spoil today weather and hike. Transform!

I sat in front of my doorstep, feeling down... My energy level started to drain and felt so heavy...

Instead of tuck back to my bed, I just pulled myself out and planned my route.

My legs seemed rather draggy... Am I too old for this already?

I wish I am really look that tall so that I can see above all than drowning in my own shadow...

Try to keep up my smile and be positive. I am trying to.

Monday hiking is great for me because practically NO one will be hiking at this time. I will be all alone as usual.

I reflected... Why and what make me feel so down...

Smile and the sun tried its best to brighten my soul.

Hmm.. Hello? Really a lonely trip. Let's go, Blog.

So what am I reflecting...

I was thinking... Why am I so lousy... Why I failed to be an interesting person... I able to make friends around me... but somehow...

they won't last long... the type: friends one day then ignores the next or one liner or back to stranger

I believe in any relationship - I have to treat and treasure them with respect and sincerity.

I know I am not very interesting person... but I will be responsive towards messages because I don't want to keep people waiting.

Somehow when another party didn't reply back or worse... take like days to reply... and replied back with a line. That was not nice. Not even an apology because I have being expecting a response... I wonder... Is it because of me? Why in the beginning, we started well, ensuring one another, joked around, but in the end, when I am ready to trust, things start to turn different?

But sometimes... I reflected that I got expectation from others unconsciously... Others just simply busy or heck care. So why should I care? Feeling so tied down by my expectation... I just very tired Because I feel failed to engage others... Just simply unworthy...

But this feeling just went deeper and deeper...

I am very tired...

Am I wrong to let give others my trust? Why friendship can last only a day? It just keep haunting me.

For me, I just keep the good memories but in the end...

It just deforms which I don't know why.

People said I am just a negative person

So... It is my fault because no one will want to friend with negative sponge. I see...

It is a long life journey that I know I am negative in nature but I am also learning to be positive - to be sincere, approachable and open.

Like laying these stones for safe crossing.

Maybe I didn't lay enough... Safe for me, but doesn't mean safe for others to cross, meaning I am not sensitive towards others' need.

Actually... To build a relationship (whether is courtship, friendship, or marriage) we need to do it slowly... and maybe I might make a wrong step and get myself muddy but it is okay.

The whole thing is just to make me reflect on the values which I believe in.

I believe in this,

「曾子曰：『吾日三省吾身；為人謀而不忠乎？ 與朋友交而不信乎？傳不習乎？』」

In English translation, The philosopher Zeng said, "I daily examine myself on three points: whether, in transacting business for others, I may have been not faithful; whether, in intercourse with friends, I may have been not sincere; whether I may have not mastered and practiced the instructions of my teacher."

I guess I have not been faithful to my words, have not been sincere to myself towards others and have not been practising and mastering to manage myself enough.

Honestly, I felt rather happy now because I learned to see the flaw in me. The light has lilted my body but not at my head. Meaning I still feel something... The disappointment feeling still stay I guess.

I will be okay.

I will continue to walk my journey...

Uphold and practice the values - Manage myself, give others my best and no expectation from them but expect myself.

Hiccup is inevitable. I have yet to 'accept' that well enough.

Just like this, I was on my way to Bukit Timah but half way there, there was a renovation going on and I can't access to Bukit TImah as planned.

So I changed my plan...

I went to visit old Bukit Timah railway station. It has being a while since my last visit. (1st and 2nd visit)

I have a new direction - I will just be myself - continue to give and friends are like this - some come and go, and some stay and appreciate. Instead of upset over the short term...

I should be happy that I have a long term. People who really give me their supports and cares.

I shall never let short-term to consume long-term

Let it go and...

I will be able to stand up again.

No matter which direction I decide to go

With the right mind, I will be safe.

Like this bridge, it is preserved because it is part of the history and despite many people might have forgotten it, it stays not for others but for itself; and for the people who treasure it.

Am I right? Oops I was pointing left... Hahaha

Balance myself is the word throughout my experience.

I am ready to go, the light lifted up my face.

Old Bukit Timah Railway Station

Full of memories on the tracks

Did I leave my mark in the past too?

So quiet here

The grass told me that no one visit here frequently.

Hi, old building!

Oh dear... It is locked. I wanted to enter.

Can I climb over?

She said hi to me. :)

I glad that I pulled myself out...

If I don't...

I will only soak in the darkness...

And emo for the day.

Am I right? Yes, I pointed at right direction this time!

Oh my camera battery was dying...

Time to go!

Okay! Last shot for the day. Good bye my photographer.

Time to untie myself from the bond and live my life positively.

Jeff