Personal - Swimming Theme #15

Hi Blog,

These days, I have realised how much shame and anxiety can arise from simply having an untoned, not-so-great body, especially when we are constantly bombarded with images of chiselled, god-like physiques online or in real life. It feels even heavier when I consider all of the qualities I lack—the ones that seem to be most important in attraction and social approval. I lack the "flex appeal" that some women seek to own or associate with, or, in other words, I do not have the type of body that automatically attracts admiration. And sometimes it feels like even my positive qualities, such as kindness or thoughtfulness, are overlooked when they come in this "meh" package like mine.

Funny how it’s not always the body itself that hurts most—it’s the meaning we attach to it.

People around me are constantly telling me to "just go for it," "hit the gym," and "if you really want it, make time." But it is not that simple. It’s not laziness—it’s life. I wish I had the time, energy, and resources to solely focus on transforming my body. But the truth is that I am not sitting around doing nothing. I swim, hike, cycle, and jog whenever I can fit it into my packed schedule. I even try to eat better, even if it means finishing food for others who cannot. I understand that having a toned body requires more than just exercise—it takes a consistent diet, targeted workouts, discipline, and maintenance. I am not dreaming as I try.

These photos were taken in 2023 and 2024. And now, if I compare my current... My waistline has grown in size... I wish I could one day have a body I am proud of, one that reflects the effort I have quietly put in, and one that does not make me crack the mirror. But for now, I’m slowly learning that it’s okay not to be “there” yet. My body might not be what I hope for, but it’s not useless or broken. It carries me through hikes, swims, long workdays, and even heavy thoughts. It’s not sculpted, but it’s strong in its own way.

I realise now that the shame I feel isn’t always mine—it’s borrowed from the world’s expectations, comparisons, and passing comments that I never asked for. And while I still care about improvement, I also want to avoid punishing myself in the process. Self-worth doesn’t have to wait for abs or perfect lighting. I’ve seen idols and friends—people I once looked up to—grow softer over the years. Not because they gave up, but because they settled into life, into love, into being human. That tells me maybe I’m not falling behind, just moving through my own chapter.

So maybe… the real work is learning to breathe. To breathe when my reflection disappoints me. To breathe when I feel invisible. And to breathe even as I keep moving forward, imperfect but honest.

Jeff