Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of quiet thinking about something I’ve been struggling with for a long time — my body image and self-esteem. I’ve always admired those with great physiques. Deep down, I know it’s not just about wanting to look good, but about wishing to be accepted, loved, and seen by others. The tricky part is… even though I’m aware of this, I still find myself going back to the same thoughts: If only I had a better body, maybe I would feel more confident… maybe I wouldn’t feel so invisible. But the more I think, the more I realise — this isn’t just about muscles or looks. It’s something much deeper within me that I’ve carried for years.
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| Jealousy isn’t really about muscles. It’s about longing for love and belonging. It’s about feeling left behind, again and again. |
Through some reflection, and after reading a very insightful piece online, I started asking myself: What am I really jealous of? The truth hit me — it isn’t the muscles themselves. It’s what they symbolise: attention, affection, and acceptance, all of which feel like scarce treasures in my life. I’ve also realised that even if I had the “perfect” body, my deep-rooted low self-esteem wouldn’t magically go away. In fact, it might make me crave even more attention or lead me to unhealthy habits just to keep that validation coming. So instead of fighting these feelings with more self-criticism, I now try to shift my focus inward — to care for my health, maintain my fitness gently, and practise contentment in small steps. It’s not easy, and it will take years to master, but this is my quiet work to do.
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In the end, I’ve accepted that my heart is just trying its best to heal. I may not fully conquer this struggle anytime soon, but at least now I understand where these feelings are coming from. I’ll keep reminding myself that my worth isn’t measured by my body and that every step toward inner peace — no matter how small — still counts. If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt the same, please know you’re not alone. Let’s keep walking forward, slowly but surely.
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| I asked ChatGPT to generate an image based on my photo, and after several random failed attempts, it finally nailed it, capturing my dream look perfectly after many tries. I guess even AI agrees I’m really considered as a plus-size person. |
Jeff
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