Personal - Issues with Myself

Good Morning Blog,

Early morning but the weather already started to show two faces.

Today is Youth Day which means... SCHOOL HOLIDAY!!! But I still have to work in school so no difference besides I can cycle. :) But this post isn't about my cycling experience, it is about my personal issue... Warning: long-winded personal post which might not interest you.

Gear up and ready to go!

Honestly, while cycling to work, I think about an article about "Why Can't I fall in Love?" In the article (link) suggested that I might have some psychological issues.

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1) Fear of Intimacy

I feel like wanted to run away from people at times.

Myself: "As you have already known that I don't have any confidence in myself... even since secondary school time. During puberty, I was just a plain, fat, unattractive shortie-nerd. I started to learn how unattractive I am, whereas every guy around me won the girls easily with their look, wealth, genes and 'bad boy'-character.

Then the girls told me, I have nothing to attract Them to be a boyfriend; as in, I belong to the loser side. With that statement... It haunted me ever since. I feel anyone who gets close to me, will lower them because of me.

So... I don't trust others that easily... even when that girl is really into me... they will have to break that 'wall' in which I safeguard my imperfection and fear. Until now... CC tried but she gave up, as she claimed, "I am the lousy person..."

But I still have to show that I am confident and positive which to balance myself, and I feel that I am a hypocrite."

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2) Low Self-worth

I don't want to think that I am special because I am just an average normal person.

Myself: "After reading this, I have to admit that I always have such thoughts often, which also creates many misunderstandings in my social life. Honestly, I really wish I can stand up confidently and accept by others well.

To reflect, I just simply have unrealistic expectations of others.

Recently, I have had to learn to accept that I am ugly, plain, character & physical-flawed and not well-liked by others. The world doesn't revolve around me; I should revolve around the world. I don't want to think of how much I am worth. I am too tired of worrying already..."

I decided to put it down and move on with my life, learn to see some positive traits I have and I do have something positive!

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3) Dependenc

I want to be strong and independent.

Myself: "I reflected back that I do sometimes need someone who understands me to embrace me for whom I am. But I doubt it will happen anyway. A girl will desire a guy to fill in this space in their heart and not another way around. Being a guy, I have to appear strong and independent. I think... In the past, whenever the 'darkness" haunted me, I started to share my problems and wanted to find someone who can listen to me... Too bad... I have nobody around to lend me a listening ear.

Since then, I learn to give everyone my listening ear and try to be considerate. S said this and we share the same value, If you cannot lift a person up, don't put them down."

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4) Abandonment Issue

After reading this point, I reflected... I have this serious issue... I do worry my partner won't be truly happy to be with me... Like I am holding back their happiness...

Myself: "To reflect, when I was Pri 3, I failed my exam so badly and upset my mother... I had to retain two more years (a new pilot program in school for poorly performing pupils)... From there, I decided to work hard and managed to score well in all my subjects except English. (I still suck at it)

Plus secondary school haunting comments and responses from my peers and society's bias/favour, I feel I am a pollutant which stains relationships. No wonder I can't trust anyone easily..."

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5) Codependency

I always want assurance from others... because sometimes... I know I am not always right and learn to put others first. Am I doing it wrong?

Myself: "My motto is to put others before me and make sure to provide whatever service I can to others. I must say maybe I didn't do it full-heartedly. Slowly, I got affected...

I conclude maybe I did it immaturely, so I will be watchful over my expectations."

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6) Attachment Issues

It seemed like I have trapped myself in some way...

Myself: "All I can remember... As a guy, we are told that men MUST BE STRONG and able to provide support and carry responsibilities etc.

Whenever my darkness haunted me, I just wish there is someone who will understand and embrace me... instead... I am judged by others that I am just a weakling and needy person... Plus many girls' helpful comments to 'educate' me to be a man... I just have to shut myself down or never trust anyone to handle my emotional needs.

That is one reason why I have expectations towards my future Miss Right indirectly..."

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7) Childhood Abuse

Will I be saved from the abyss?

Myself: "I think this one summed up my whole issue already... What should I do? 😓"

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8) Addictive Behaviours

I am waiting for her. Tired of seeking already... If she is fated to be with me, she will show up NO MATTER What.

Myself: "Somehow this might say a lot about me when I am busy with my voluntary stuff.

In this case... maybe they are right but I will never regret sacrificing an uncertain and unable to work out a relationship. I know what I want in a relationship - someone who can walk and work together. But ironically, the girls around me prefer somebody 'better' and 'desirable'.

So I don't want to spend time feeling lousy at myself, but something meaningful. Maybe that has an indirect effect on me..."

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9) Perfectionism

Quiet time to reflect.

Myself: "Perfectionist has been one of my character flaws since young; I expect myself to do my BEST in everything until I realised, there are things I can't change... My perfectionist expectation has been monitored and managed, as it obviously affected my emotions quite frequently.

So far, I am still managing. :)"

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10) Personality Disorders

Is it true?

Myself: "I admit I have some personality disorders...😐 Whenever I chat with anyone, I will envy them for living their lives normally. I have such baggage, and I will put it down one day, especially when I am ageing, this able-to-be-loved issue has started to bother me less and accepting the facts.

I know I can be destructive if any girl isn't ready for this "insane game mode"-person. I believe Heaven has His special arrangement to treat me."

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Conclusion

Honestly, this study is very well-study and instead of feeling upset... I learned that there are a group of people who also face such issues; I am not alone. If my previous self, I will upset, crying baby; but I have another view.

That article is meant to make me recognized and managed myself properly. I know I have disorder issues then I can stop being 'disordering' already, it will only 'feed' it and make it stronger.

I will carry it and move on with my life because from what I had written above - I have been living in the past which I can't 'perfect'. So I should embrace myself as there are the more important things to do for now.

After reading that article, night time... I read another statement somewhere (Heaven-sent).

Thanks, Heaven. I have direction now 😊 I should manage the urge of getting into a relationship, have a void to fill, and build a stronger relationship with my family members and friends. If I want to rush for a relationship, it might affect my current issues more than cure. Heaven knows the best.

In the end, I end it with a Smile :)

In my random post, I took this picture during the evening time. I guess it is a sign that I am doing well. Thank you, Heaven.

Jeff