Hiking - Return to Abyss

Good Morning Blog,

It's Saturday morning and it is a perfect day for a great hike. Since last night, I thought of the walking distance and what to expect.

Great sunny day at the West side

Quite excited to go for the hike alone again...

but the East seems rather moody though...

I guess I have to be quick

I wear my mother's watches to complete her 10k step challenge and so she can wear her favourite watches to work.

Just when I am about to step out, I realise my "photographer" (camera) is low batt and have to charge it for a while. I take this moment to reflect myself...

So I spend sometime resting and reflecting of something...

Charged for 45mins, no time to waste. Let's step out!

Then once I step into the lift, I realise that I enter to the abyss again...

The anxiety sinking feeling is back...

It is dragging my legs... I feel I don't want to do anything...

I sit down and calm myself... Sinking for a while and trying to hold myself...

Alright, I am okay now. Let's continue my journey

Entering the abyss, the feeling is so familiar and nothing new. I am born from there as it sticks to me for quite some time already...

But this time, I sense something different...

I am able to pin-point the source which causes the swirling of my feeling.

This time what is it then? Ah I see... It is about "Not-Good-Enough" feeling.

I know Blog. I know you hear to me many times, I have been saying that. Many people will get tired of listening to my shxt but I know that you are with me, walking the journey with me in a non-judgmentally stare and advice, and embracing me.

I want to be free from the abyss which a lot of unknown and unseen forces which can consume a person slowly and greatly.

Hiking alone can give me a moment of calmness like a solid land allows me to land on than sinking further

I know no matter where I go, whatever goal I have reached, it will come back in its same old form/pattern

Just like walking down to this path, same old path but with a different me. Even though it will be still tiring and lonely to walk along this long path but I got tougher time to time, slow but at least something.

Looking back my past blog entries, I always "complain" about my problems... In fact, all I need is someone who can at least understand me. I have expectations and with expectation, meaning I won't be happy. Then I begin to work towards that direction; exploring and adjusting... Three to five years already, have I improved?

No. I am still here sitting in the abyss... but let's think deeper, have I improved? Yes, I have improved since then. I should not be too harsh at myself. I shared how much I got affected by how harsh others give to me but I am still doing that to myself, that won't help me in anyway. Right?

It is time to let go. I must slowly accept the new me. I know... I am not good enough in this or that. Yeah, I accept that. It is me who is living my life, learning to manage expectations and comments from everyone is a skill.

But do I see the new light for doing so? I learned that I have many slopes to clear before reaching the destination.

Every tip of the slope, you will be able to see how many slopes left and how much distance needs to be covered

but with those slopes and challenges... Like the ground

Just need me to walk carefully and take the right steps forward

In every pit stop, there will be a resting pace for me to reflect and breathe

Then another next slope to conquer

Some people may have their lives arranged and smoothed out, like playing their life-game at easy mode, they can get the achievement easily. For me, I am challenged by a hard mode life-game, many inner unexpected and personal handicap to counter; but that builds a stronger me.

From other people's perspective, they can just throw in "Not good enough." Yes it affects me, but my recovery rate has improved which I should not dismiss myself

Other people won't be able to see that side of me as they have many things to be bothered. I am glad I am actually thinking positively!

Like taking this shot, I took it in one of hiking trip (but weird that I can't find back that post), same scene but different level of mood.

At time to time, I will still feel "not good enough" with myself, and sometimes got upset too...

but I need to understand, 40 years of thinking that way VS the "sprout of positiveness"...

I need to be careful to take good care of the "sprout" in me.

I will make it. I will make it through. For now, I just have to be careful with people who takes advantage of my current situation where they can still throw me back to abyss if I rely on others. I've enough with such situation.

Nice to have nature and blog listen to me. So funny, I am actually talking in space alone like crazy guy. Hahahaha.. oops! Low batt... my photographer wants to rest for now.

Lucky I still got my phone :) and it is about to rain, I better hurry up.

Dirty mirror (like other people's comments) but it won't stain what is the real Me.

Jeff