Jogging - Neutral Mood

Hi Blog,

It was Tuesday and these days, I had experienced a great deal of negative emotions lately, not because of anyone but myself. I tried to observe and learn the reason why I had such feeling.

Meanwhile, I shall go for a slow jog as my legs felt a bit 'heavy'.

Let's Go!

The sinking feeling made me feel so heavy... like a mood of not involve in anything...

Feeling like being trapped within a confined area but yet more like I always visit such place.

Sometimes I wish I can be like a bird, flying freely; bounder-less.

I just feel like... maybe lonely or... just wanted to achieve the unachievable... or just be no body...

Or (as I looked back) my reality is stretched unrealistically...

Whenever I look at my reflection, I heard many inner-voices mocking me and labeling me, "stupid nerd! ugly fat shxt!" and I just replied myself and those voices, "I know. I know. I am nothing."

I know why I replied that, because since I belong to shxt category, so by further abuse myself will only stop those "voices"...

Even though many people around me, will tell me that I am the one who keeps on saying negative stuff to myself. Telling me to stop self-hating, self-abuse. I know it will only do more harm than help...

I am just lost within the wood (the norm), I doubt you can find me here.

But they don't understand one part why I can't "turn" myself to the POSITIVE form that easily...

because whenever I want to be positive, I realised that I am just not NORMAL ENOUGH to be one...

Like I always tied down by the problem of self-worthiness...

Even on social media, I turn on the silent mode like my Facebook, shut down my Twitter account, reduce my usage of Instagram (except my Ilovecloudsky account)... Just to stay away from people so I won't feel lousy for being no better or anywhere near to their happiness.

I won't stop blogging because this is the only place where my heart is and a pair of listening ears stay.

At least in this blog world, only me and nothing but me. Less stressed and feeling great to be me.

You can say that I am just trying to escape from my actual problem.

I will say I am actually recognize my problems. I used to think it is my self confidence issue... But in fact, it is more like I am just hoping someone to accept who I am - The broken me which trying to live normally than telling me how to live 'normally'.

Like example, I will become a shy person whenever I talk to a lady who possesses certain ideal qualities and character traits that I desire, usually people will just tell me to 'be brave' and that is a 'normal behavior'. But... I can't... As I fear and dislike the aftermath of rejection or she keeping a distance from me... Others will say it is 'normal' and part and parcel of reality. But when others have to dismiss my real feeling and bother how much effort that I have to put to 'stabilize' myself? I know I will take a longer time to heal as I am broken... And that is just one of the many examples that happened currently... Examples: everyone is doing that, and why can't you? Everyone is doing so, it is okay to do so. That's how a normal human being does, you can too, that's how a guy should do. it is about time management or how you work hard to earn extra etc etc; more or less they are running under the same 'NORMAL' equation.

To look back why I feel I am not NORMAL ENOUGH? Because I am so broken and can't be 'normal'. I always got 'blaming' for being abnormal (to their eyes), then have to act 'normal' (in their eyes) which is a masked self.

Even though... You already know or used to the nonsense that I had just expressed then got emo for a long period of time, but this year, I felt slightly different.

I looked across this peaceful pond, I learned something important - is to remain calm and neutral.

Here is a video of how and what you should do when you are struck in quicksand. I realised that my life is like I am struck in a quicksand. I always get advices from people who are standing beside the quicksand and throwing their views without understand that it need to take time and encouragement to get out from it.

Instead of struggle to do something like normal people on land, I will stay neutrally and push myself forward to the ground of my reach. Once I get out and have my leg back, I have to manage to remove whatever dust/sand. Even though I will be slow but at least, I will survive.

Since I can't be good, then the best move is to maintain than allow myself to sink further.

Staying at neutral state will consider an improvement for myself after all those years.

I can't feel any 'happy' mood and at least, I am not upset and will continue to learn to celebrate other people's success and merits than envy over those.

Jeff