Personal - Hesitation

Hi Blog,

Nice sunset today

It will be short and usual post, nothing special. Weekend is coming! Finally I can go for a short, lazy and inefficient workout (unlike others will go to gym, long hours and intensive workout etc) as for me, as long as I sweat and won't cost me a single coin, is an achievement unless someone pays for me XD

Found a new theme

What a beautiful tunnel, isn't it? (perspective)

I realised that I have a morning lesson on Sunday, and since I come back home earlier on Friday which means jogging time (since I have a theme to complete)

Just completed a slow and short jogging to sweat

But I have a lot of thoughts...

Speaking about theme to complete, my jogging and tomorrow short hiking with JJ, I think I can still wear my favourite white trisuit. Lucky it's fabric will dry up faster than cotton. But... I hesitate to wear it...

Feeling kind of down... and troubled...

Can't sleep well during the night... Trying hard to not to think about it...

Yawn... morning 630am. Time to go for a morning hike to the quiet place before the sun gains full strength.

Trisuit dried up fast which is great!

But I'm feeling trapped in a tight space.

Meanwhile waiting for JJ to show up

Brings JJ to Peirce Reservoir and I believe no one will ever think of going there.

Anyway something happened recently, one of my kind friends found my pics shared on a forum... Discussing about 'Accidentally Exposure' and I was in white trisuit... A two/three years old image.

(Thanks JJ for helping) While hiking with JJ to Upper Peirce, my thought has not settled down...

In the forum discussion, something which hurts me that I always have to face... Recently, I had closed down two of my social medias and slowly retire from others, reasons are that there are people/strangers pm-ed me to tell me to stop being an eye-sore in the public, as wearing a tights especially trisuit, which will receive better compliments for those toned and muscular people (not for untoned people like me). They also told me that wearing white is also obscene as I am not well endowed, as people can see my small jewel, which only shame myself and my family. Just like how some users in the forum commented... Honestly... I got really tired... I had deleted my social medias - Twitter and Tumblr, sooner... My IG will be next. (I know it is not the first time I had been saying that) But it really hurt me...

I want to be positive... But I am just not strong enough...

I know the great looking ones are many people's all-times favourite. I agree they will definitely compliment and craze over them. I reflect myself why I got so troubled by it. Others will say Low self esteem but the truth is, I just really want to be loved and liked by others but I don't. When I was young, I always become a left-out and forgotten... I will get triggered when others used the word "loser" on me and compare me with others who are born as a winner with many advantages.

It has become my darkness - like a shadow which follows me, reminding me how broken and imperfect I am. Wearing a trisuit is just a way to motivate myself to workout and be professional. Seeing myself transform from non-active in sports person to active in "Free" sports - that motivates me greatly! (Even though the transformation isn't fantastic as social media showcases, but others actually recognize me as sporty person which I have yet registered/associated myself as.) I have to learn to love myself more for now, I cannot expect others to love me. Am I kind to myself? I should not be so harsh to myself, as I have been doing so for more than 20 years. Now I should learn to stand up; not to prove others but just stay away from social media and enjoy this little space with my blog and my readers.

Thanks JJ for helping me taking pictures for me, not judging me and apologise for growing an eye-sore.

As long as I am happy... As long as I still can wear it... perfect or toned or well endowed or not... It doesn't matter because I can't change my genes already, now what I can change is my mind and heal myself.

I am who I am. Do I have to regret when I got older? To look back the days when I got my trisuit, and compare to now, I have improved greatly. Right?

The most, I will have to be selective of what to dress up whom I will be with.

Loving white is my unique taste - not to get attraction but just my love of white.

Just like this snail. Compare to its size to some other snails, this is relatively small but one unique feature it has - Its spiral shell is flat which is light weighted and able it to stay low from dangers. So whatever build I am, I am unique in Heaven's eye.

(Thanks JJ for helping) I have to pat myself that I am not the worst end when there are other people who might be worse and wanted to take over my position/statue/condition. Honestly... why should I be concerned other people's biased views/judgement/preferred?

If others (perhaps slightly plus size person) who wears a trisuit, will I judge? will I feel disgusted or eye-sore? No. I know it takes a lot of courage to be almost naked in front of judgmental people. It took me a while to come to a term with myself in trisuit. Slowly, I will be fine.

(Thank you JJ) Instead of hoping the whole world to like me, I should adjust my mindset and really embrace myself and others. I will smile and move on.

Sorry for such a boring and long-winded post. I just need a space to talk things out when many people are just too busy or tired over my shxt. I don't wish to discuss with anyone unless they asked.

Alright! Let's continue the hike and glad JJ enjoy the hike. Great chit-chat and helping one another taking pictures. :)

Don't get caught on the web again. Jeff!

Jeff