Hi Blog,
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just telling myself nice things… to avoid facing the truth. I talk about inner light, about self-worth beyond appearances, about being more than just a shiny armour — but deep down, part of me questions if I'm just trying to feel better. Am I just comforting myself with “excuses” while avoiding the hard truth that… maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe I’m not attractive, not strong, not successful, not special? I don’t say this for sympathy. It’s a real question I wrestle with. A part of me genuinely fears that I’m deluding myself, just to survive.
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| “I want that shiny armour too.”
I can’t deny it. I envy those with confidence — those who walk into a room and are admired, even desired. I admire people like that “demigod” I once mentioned, who seem to be proud of every part of themselves. I look at them, then look at myself, and I feel so far behind… so out of place. |
And yet, when I try to chase that image, something in me hesitates. I’m not just held back by laziness or fear. There are many reasons — real reasons — but most people don’t see them that way. They say I’m giving excuses. They say I’m not trying hard enough. They say I could be more if I just stopped “feeling sorry for myself”. I ask myself: are they right? What if my self-kindness is just a soft lie?
I try to tell myself good things: that it’s okay to be different. That my value doesn’t depend on looks or muscles or status. That my quiet efforts still matter. But then I hear this whisper in my mind: “Are you just saying this to escape reality? Are you just sugar-coating your failures?” That thought breaks me. Because if I can’t even trust myself… who else can I trust?
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| 1st Sep 2025 – To kickstart the first day of the month, today’s meeting was cancelled. That gave me a chance to tidy up my things and maybe prepare one of my overdue long posts… But in the end, I chose sleep instead. Too lazy! No wonder I’m fat… |
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| 2nd Sep 2025 – Lately, I’ve been feeling fat. I wonder how demigods or slim individuals feel when they’re always dressed in such tight, fitted bodies. What must it be like to feel confident and admired 24/7? Oh well, I shouldn’t overthink. I’ll just stay focused on building my own armour. |
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| 3rd Sep 2025 - Recently, someone mentioned to me that certain brands of clothing are only bought—or even “meant”—for the homosexual community. The idea is that if I buy or wear them, people will assume I’m one too. Honestly, I find it funny how people can think this way. Today, I wore a new swimming trunks and new underwear—not because I want others to label me, but simply because I want to look good for myself. I know I’m far from “demigod” quality, but why not wear something that makes me feel better in my own skin? I’ll save my deeper thoughts on this for a longer post next time. |
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| 4th Sep 2025 - Happy birthday to G! We managed to surprise her by tricking her into rushing to our little “birthday trap”. On top of that, today was also Teachers’ Day—celebrated with food, songs, and lots of photos. I look round and flat in most of the pictures, but I’m learning not to care too much about that. Sometimes it’s better to just enjoy the moment and the people around me |
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| 5th Sep 2025 - Today was a calm working day during the school holiday. I can wear relaxed attire to work, and in addition to white, I love grey as well. I don't know why, but the softness of the colour makes my entire outfit look like pyjamas. |
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| 5th Sep 2025 – Speaking of getting a new swimming trunk from a certain brand, I ended up buying a bigger size white one because, well… I’ve gotten fatter. But honestly, wearing a bigger trunk feels so much more comfortable. Now I’m wondering if it’s time to sell away some of my old trunks… The only problem is I don’t know how to post it. I don’t exactly have the kind of body that would attract buyers, so maybe I should just keep them? |
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| 6th Sep 2025 - After several attempts to coordinate this JB trip, we have settled on today's date for a straightforward shopping trip and a catch-up session with my colleagues. I have personally decided to budget my expenses and make a list of items I wish to purchase in the future. |
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| 8th Sep 2025 – I was planning to go for a short jog today, but the bright evening gave me a different vibe, so I decided to stay in and work out with dumbbells instead. Turns out, I was right — the sky darkened earlier because of the season, so jogging in the dark forest isn't advisable. To make matters worse, my camera broke. Suddenly, I lost all motivation to continue exercising… maybe it’s just me blaming my lousy body for ruining the poor camera. |
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| 9th Sep 2025 – Sadly, my camera’s display screen is broken… I went down to the service centre hoping for help, but they wouldn’t entertain me without a proof of purchase or receipt. Sigh… since the warranty is already over, I guess I’ll just have to live with the inconvenience for now. |
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| 10th Sep 2025 – A teacher gave me a 1TB thumb drive that could connect directly to mobile devices. I thought it would be perfect for backing up the 40GB of photos and videos from my old phone. After transferring the files since morning, I realised only 12GB made it across, with many folders empty. My heart sank… it turned out to be a fake device. Most of my pictures were gone. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I was about to pass it to my sister for her important files—at least I found out first. Fortunately, much of my life is already documented on my blog. In a way, I became the “tester” who saved others in the office from the same mistake before we switched to new laptops. |
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| 11th Sep 2025 - I’ve been hunting for a magatama for some time, scrolling through countless listings, until I finally landed on a jade piece that just felt right. It has that balance and charm I was looking for, and somehow it clicked. With this, I now have three pendants that I really treasure: this jade magatama that carries a sense of balance, the trilobite fossil with its amazing details frozen in time, and the golden tree that reminds me of growth. It may not be a big collection, but to me, it’s just nice — each pendant has its own story and meaning, and together they feel complete. |
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| 12th Sep 2025 - With my camera screen broken, I’ve had to get used to using my Insta-remote watch or my phone to take photos — although the remote often won’t connect by the pool. The pool was crowded with swimmers and a lot of judgmental families, which didn’t help my mood after yesterday. I guess I just have to forget it, adapt, and move on. |
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| 13th Sep 2025 - Thanks to GY, my childhood friend, for inviting me to join his secondary-school circle for a badminton session. They welcomed me, slowly but surely — I felt accepted. If possible, I’ll try to join the group for badminton once a month. |
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| 15th Sep 2025 - Taking photos without my camera’s display screen feels like such a hassle. I really miss how easy it was to frame a subject with the screen. Now, I need to connect the camera to my phone, which takes extra time. I’m still trying to get used to it, and I wonder how things will be when I go for a hike. Then again, maybe it doesn’t matter much — who would notice a “fat dude” like me when there are so many demigods around? |
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| 15th Sep 2025 - It’s been a while since I last went to a chalet. It’s always a nice place to catch up with friends, but with the cost these days, most people would probably choose a staycation instead. Anyway, my family was invited to M’s birthday party, and I got her a blind box of her favourite character – Crayon Shin Chan. What a blessing! When we asked her which one she’d like from the set, she made her pick, and amazingly, it turned out to be exactly the one she got. Yippee! |
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| 17th Sep 2025 – Went for a quick “fat swim” today, but I didn’t feel well afterwards… By the time I got home, my head was aching, my body felt warm, and my fever started kicking in. Muscle aches came along too. I wonder if it’s because I swam in the cold water during the rain, or if I just caught a cold? |
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| 17th Sep 2025 - ZN wanted to keep his promise of giving me a birthday treat. Even though I wasn’t feeling well that day, I still went along. Eating only made me feel worse, haha, but I didn’t want to drag out the promise any longer. Hard to believe we’ve known each other for over 20 years now, and in different countries too. |
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| 19th Sep 2025 - I was planning to go for a jog, but the sky turned dark so quickly… Instead, I just ate random bits to fill up my already bloated tummy. Oh well. I should have gone for a haircut today and jogged yesterday, but I guess Heaven had other plans for me. |
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| 20th Sep 2025 – Today, we at Pause For A Cause SG were invited to the Bone Marrow Donor Programme’s Appreciation Day. From this event, I saw how a simple “yes” from a donor could completely change the life of a recipient. Witnessing the joy on their faces really touched me. It reminded me that if I’m ever called up, I shouldn’t hesitate to donate. Thank you, PFACSG, for giving me the chance to serve through cosplay volunteering and make good use of my costume. |
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| 20th Sep 2025 – After the morning event, I had planned to go for a hike and write a longer blog post about it… But the rain came. I really wanted to hike, but without a clear starting shot and with my Insta360 remote refusing to connect to the camera, I felt like a handicapped photographer. Still, I know I need to find ways to keep my mood up and not let small setbacks spoil the day. |
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| 23rd Sep 2025 - What a nice evening! I’m planning to go jogging before my online meeting. Somehow, something happened with my friend's family; someone has passed away, so I have to attend the wake nearby. Not everyone has the same time and priorities as those demigods. |
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| 24th Sep 2025 - I thought it would rain today, but who knows! It didn't. I managed to have a quick swim and was able to meet up with a friend, T, to motivate each other for a swim. Fat Seal like me, I can't do much, but at least, just for company. Ultimately, people will move on, and this seal will outgrow itself and be unable to swim more. Fat fat fat |
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| 25th Sep 2025 – Got to swim again today! It feels great to motivate T to swim regularly, and I also pushed both of us to do an extra lap (I usually stop at 5). I know it may seem insignificant, but to me, it’s something worth pushing myself for. Small steps like these remind me that progress doesn’t always have to be big or dramatic. I just hope I can keep up this number of laps even when I swim alone. |
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| 26th Sep 2025 – Finally, I managed to squeeze in a quick jog this month! At first, the sun was out, but soon the sky began creeping in with darkness. Still, I didn’t care anymore – LET’S GO!!! |
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| 27th Sep 2025 – Today was a busy day. I attended a cosplay event to help enhance the atmosphere of the Lunar Festival. It was sweet that everyone of us had about the same colour theme - Red and Blue. Today I wanted to try out my new accessories, but they didn’t stay properly and were too small for my waist. Honestly… sometimes I wish I could be tall and muscular, just so I could cosplay as Captain America. But being a short, chubby Asian, I know that dream feels out of reach. Still, cosplaying as my hero has always been a dream. If I can’t look the part, at least I can bring some happiness to others — especially the younger kids. If seeing me in costume gives them the courage to dream a little bigger, then that’s already something meaningful I can do. |
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| 29th Sep 2025 – Looking through my calendar, I realised most of my weekends are going to be burned with activities… Sometimes I just wish I could slow down a little. Then one of my readers dropped me a message, and it really caught my attention: “The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.” I love this metaphor because it shows how challenges shape us differently — the outcome depends on our character, mindset, and wisdom. Yet perhaps the real question isn’t whether we are a potato or an egg, but whether we take the chance to learn from the boiling water itself. |
But maybe… the truth isn’t either/or. Maybe I’m not where I wish I could be. Maybe I do fall short. And maybe I’m still allowed to be kind to myself anyway. Not to lie to myself — but to help myself keep going. To believe that even if I’m still a work in progress, I’m not worthless. I may not have shiny armour. But maybe I have a quiet, worn shield — scratched, dented, but still standing. Still protecting something gentle and true inside me. I don’t want to blind myself with lies. But I also don’t want to crush myself with shame. So I’ll keep walking that fine line — between seeing my truth and still choosing to hold my own hand through it all.
Jeff
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