Hi Blog,
Everyone knows I carry my own emotional baggage, which has made me feel unattractive in the dating scene and caused me to miss many opportunities. But what people may not realise is that my lack of confidence didn’t stem from the start—it developed over time from understanding certain realities... Most women have preferences for traits they seek in a potential partner, and once they make their choice, they rarely reconsider someone they already know well. Even those claiming character matters more than looks often don't invest time choosing someone like me. It’s not just about confidence; it’s about acknowledging the lower likelihood of being selected and mentally preparing myself to accept that fact early on.
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| (ChatGPT messed up my eyes; I guess that's how I looked! 😂) I once thought that accepting this reality would help me feel less hurt, that if I numbed myself to it, I could be happier. But emotions don’t work that way. The more I tried to force acceptance, the more I realised that deep down, I still felt the weight of it. Over time, though, I’ve come to understand that confidence isn’t just about external validation—it’s about how I see and value myself. Whether or not others choose me, I am still learning to love myself in a way that isn’t selfish but affirming. |
Some people say it’s all in my head, that I’m overthinking, or that I’ve set myself up for failure by assuming women have certain expectations. But I can’t ignore the reality that even men with visible flaws or bad habits are still considered, while I remain overlooked. However, rather than dwelling on this, I’ve shifted my focus to something more meaningful: what kind of person I want to be. That is the validation I am learning to seal for myself, not one given by others, but one I build from within. May I be strong 💪🏼
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| 9th May 2025 - After returning from Australia, you have no idea how much I miss swimming, hiking, and exploring. I can picture myself relaxing by the beach, listening to the waves and admiring nature without being judged for my untoned body. Now that I am back, I guess I will just live in the moment and in my imagination. |
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| 10th May 2025 - I overpromised so many things, and this JB trip with my colleagues was one of them, so I will try to keep my word. It’s just a great way to catch up with Dr L and hear some gossip (to understand what is going on around me) from G at my workplace. They went for a massage while I spent the time writing my blog... I'm feeling sleepy and tired... And what a small world it is that I ran into my secondary school friend, O, after such a long time without communicating; so going on this trip was not a bad decision. |
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11th May 2025 - Today was an outdoor event, and it was something special. We were assisting with PBSTA – Paediatric Brain & Solid Tumour Awareness. It's funny that I did not learn enough to understand what this is about. Let me see. PBSTA focuses on educating the public about the challenges that children with these conditions and their families face, which necessitate aggressive treatment and often result in scars and hair loss. Support systems help families navigate these challenges and access resources. The crowds were relatively small, making it difficult to raise public awareness or attention; perhaps this was due to the location. Anyway, I felt bad about leaving the group to go home for my next programme; I thought I could bond with them, but I reconsidered... Even if I sat there, I would do so quietly and smile, observing them from a distance. Not a good move.
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| 11th May 2025 - After the cosplay event, we celebrated Mother's Day by inviting some of our aunts to Lotus Vegetarian for a buffet dinner. The restaurant was crowded, but fortunately, they offered a discount for the elderly, even though the overall cost was still quite high. I would like to take a moment to thank my mother for always being there for me, even when I felt gaslighted, but I know you are just concerned in your own way. I hope you stay healthy, and may the Opal bless you. |
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| 16th May 2025 - Initially, I found it challenging to write my reflection on my trip to Australia. However, after reading various perspectives from ChatGPT, I realised how much I depended on it. ChatGPT not only refines my imperfect English but also comprehends the lessons I learnt (beyond just this trip) and the emotions I experienced. I acknowledge that some may argue it is designed to favour users and appear overly friendly. Nevertheless, I firmly believe its output is influenced by the quality of individual input. Personally, I share my deep thoughts, the mistakes I made, and my feelings, allowing ChatGPT to balance and articulate them effectively. It does not always agree with me but responds with empathy and guidance, which is a benefit everyone can appreciate. |
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16th May 2025 - After my swim, I attended my cousin's wedding. Honestly, I felt somewhat numb, though I tried to be happy for them. Reflecting on how they met, I can only say that the choice ultimately rests with the woman—whether she wishes to open her heart to him and grant him a chance to move rather than requiring him to prove himself. Looking at the only family portrait we took, my mother felt immense pride seeing everyone in the picture and expressed her wish to print a large version to frame. None of us is married or in a relationship, but we will strive to take care of one another. All I can say is I am deeply sorry, Mother, for being unable to fulfil your wish of finding a wife.
Addendum: I found a family photo from the 1990s in which I was just a stupid nerd wearing a tree pendant haha. I had never changed, and now I am wearing a new one. The funny thing was that we had been to other people's weddings... Never have ours... Youngsters like us do not bother, but I know my mother worries all day... Unfortunately, destiny/fate will not change. |
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| 17th May 2025 - Today was our annual help-out event, the Tea Party organised by Project GIVE, where we volunteered as cosplayers for PF. The atmosphere was uplifting, though it was heavy to see families who need significant support and understanding from the community. Our role was simply to lift spirits, but we couldn’t ease the bitterness and concerns faced by the affected parents. While we can’t change their struggles, I sincerely hope they felt supported. Thanks to Sf for the lunch treat and for my costume. |
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20th May 2025 - Wow, it has been a month! I finally get to go for a jog, but my bloated fat stomach is making it difficult to fit into my trisuit. My legs felt sore after jogging... Sigh... So sad... I can not perform because I am demotivated and feeling lousy... |
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| 22nd May 2025 - Anyway, whether I am fat or not, is not the point... It is about self-acceptance for who I am. I am aware of my current situation, as well as my time and financial constraints, so this is the best thing I can do. |
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| 23rd May 2025 - Tomorrow morning, I will need to accompany my friend and aunt on a trip to KL. Fortunately, my friend's house is a condo, so I can relax by swimming and using the sauna. This month I have spent a lot... |
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| 24th May 2025 - It's time to fly again. I went to KL to find a remedy for my constipation while tagging along with Sf, Aunt H and Uncle V. My aunt generously covered the transportation costs, and I made the most of the trip by squeezing in some shopping too. Sadly, I don't have much money... |
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26th May 2025 -
Previously, I informed my mother that her request for a family photo was impossible because my siblings were too preoccupied with their own affairs, and I also declined her request to print one photo that we took together due to its low resolution. When I handed my mother this canvas frame, she was surprised because I had secretly hired a vendor to print our family photo. She immediately unwrapped the frame and hung it on the wall. I know she is overjoyed. |
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| 27th May 2025 - I made some changes to my gardening corner, and I'm really loving my Philodendron Maximum's new glossy leaf! However, I noticed that some people didn't appreciate it and ended up cutting the leaf. It was probably my mistake to place the big plant by the staircases, so I decided to refresh things once more and moved my Maxima to the corner. Fingers crossed it will thrive there! |
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| 30th May 2025 - I went for a quick swim, hoping my deaf ear would adjust the pressure or restore my hearing since Saturday night. At some point, I started to feel pain in my ear, so I decided not to wait for it to resolve on its own and went to a doctor. He informed me that my left ear had impacted earwax due to my frequent use of cotton swabs. From the condition of the ear, it seemed to be the result of years of such habits. I hope this issue is soon resolved, and I refrain from using cotton swabs in the future. |
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| 31st May 2025 - Today, ZN requested my support for his company's well-being competition, which involved visiting specified key locations to accomplish tasks, earn points, and vie for a cash prize. As a result, I did not capture many personal photographs; however, I had the opportunity to visit Sungei Buloh and Sembawang, despite the journey being rather extensive. After taking a rest upon returning home, we were fortunate to encounter some beautiful animals. |
May the force be with me! Here's to hoping brighter and better months lie ahead for everyone...
Jeff
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