Personal - Acceptance

Hi Blog,

It has come to end of 2017. I looked back my 2017 resolution (link) post. There were a few points that I need to help myself and just recently, I felt so relaxed and in peace with myself; like feeling 'immune' over my negatives in some ways.

Trying to look for a different way

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In the past, I used to think negative with myself because in society standard, I was classified as a loser or forgotten one - due to superficial layer of classifications (like my plain looking, peasant genes, not-achiever portfolio, socially awkward and nerd; basically not many people will find me interesting to communicate) You may say that it was due to my own perception of myself than others. Okay! Look! Let's be real, it took two hands to clap, many people will tell me to improve my own situation if I don't want to live in that judgments. Funny thing by doing so, am I pursuing social-identity or even individual uniqueness? Like a rat race? Others will add, I should just do it for myself, but wasn't I be doing it and failed to get anywhere?

From here, I realized that there are the trigger points which caused me thinking negative about myself.

In general, my trigger point was by believing "I am better than average guy" Let me break down of my trigger point below. (Due to my English isn't that great.)

1. Any average guy will get girls. I asked myself - why can't I get someone to like me? Am I worse than an average guy? Even a teen boy (at the age of 12) got a girlfriend easily. Me? No GF since young until now... the only few explanations were either I am ugly like shxt or character-flawed person or not a hot pick.
2. So in order to overcome, either I have to be richer or better looking or gentleman. But I realized I am no way there.
3. Wealth wise: I didn't earn a lot and not born in a well-doing family.
4. Aesthetic wise: I don't have a desirable buffed athlete body. Unlike Nowadays youngsters who start at their early age and pump their time and money into the gym. At my time, going to gym required a great sum of money which I can't afford. Many people will tell me to train in gym, but I have my own reasons. (Will explain later)
5. Physical wise: If to compare myself with those Demi-Gods who won genetic lottery. I was nowhere near their level - even my height was considered short based on average height in Singapore which is 1.72m.
6. My life pillars (pillars which were different from other people. It were so strict and total wash off for any girl to pick.) whereas some average guys' life pillars were about earning more money and improve their statues, but I valued differently.

Whatever trigger points it was, it turned me into a less-desirable, lack of boyfriend/husband material, weak look, weak in money-well, weak genetic, weak character display, weak-in-everything person!

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At this point, I told myself to stop and made another direction of my life path, which was a Path of Acceptance.

I have to learn to like myself. I read it somewhere, "This is an ongoing process of both acceptance and self-development. Sit down and write

• all the attractive qualities about myself
• write down all the qualities I dislike
• (On that list of unattractive qualities) think, Is this something I could change?

If yes, then start improving yourself and don’t make excuses. Just do it.
If there is something physical that you don’t like about yourself and you can change it, do so, if you can’t change it, just accept it and take care of other more important stuff."

Now if it is a quality I can't change then I will learn to start the process of acceptance. It seemed like it works well for me!

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All Attractive Qualities about Myself

I learned that people won’t care what I look like, they’ll remember the good that I do. They’ll remember something about me which make myself special to others and something they won’t forget the rest of their life. Others won't focus on my body or my imperfections but will stare deep into my eyes when I am being enthusiastic and truly being myself. So writing down my attractive qualities about myself was challenging and I had not done it before, but here it goes.

Here are my attractive qualities I have and I won't reserve here.

1. Responsibility: I am a responsible person. I don't like to hold anyone down, if my service is needed and time allowed, I will attend to them. I feel the sense of responsibility in me, since Primary school, even when I was sick, I still attended school unless I got really sicked and bedridden. Even work, I will still go and work. Like taking my work with pride.
2. Kind: Generally I don't want to be unkind to anyone unless situation got out of hands which my kindness got misunderstood and got me in troubles. If not, I won't hesitate to be kind to anyone and even to the unkind ones. Maybe I am just too kind. Hahaha, but it is a quality which I won't regret to carry.
3. Humble: While others see me overly humble, I must say that is where I learn to go back to basic and reset my filled glass. I don't like to be a proud and arrogance person and like to be on the Earth type of person. Many see it as a flaw of me, maybe I will say... I didn't manage to learn the art of humbleness but my intention is clear - back to basic in whatever things I do.
4. Joyful: Actually I enjoy to bond with people and desire to let my hair down, without judgment. Even though I am an introvert, but I am a person who can have fun with.
5. Curious: One quality which I realised and liked, is to have a curious mind to learn new thing. I will love to learn new things; but sometimes it can get too deep which I can't comprehend, I will like to ask someone to guide me. Able to get curious and keep on learning (as I always reset my filled glass) is a fun quality I have.
6. Contented: This quality is a reason why I didn't commit suicide during my drowning in my negatives. I learn to be content with whatever I have. Others might disagree with my naive thinking but personally, I feel this quality isn't easy to have. It takes a huge courage to be different from the norm.
7. Caring: I tend to care too much about how others will feel and will even go an extra mile to provide others the convenience and assistance. (Example, when I cycle along the pavement, there will always have pedestrians blocking my way, other cyclists will usually ring their bell to make sure pedestrians move aside, but I will not want to disturb them and cycle slowly behind them until they noticed my present or I find enough space for my fatbike to ride along.) At the time, I will forget to take care myself. Like other qualities I have, I won't regret carrying this because it is a quality the world needs.
8. Forgiving: I am a very forgiving guy but I fail to forget... I usually forgive others but I can't forget what they did and carry the wound alone.
9. Patience: I am....

okay! I had to stop here, I felt so awkward "opening" myself. Time for the next easier question.

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All the Qualities I Dislike

Here are my three main dislike qualities.

1. Perfectionistic: I tend to aim for perfection for everything, but it seemed like it got out of hands... it got me desired for physical, aesthetical, statues, everything to be perfection. When I can't achieve that... I will feel inferior and low confidence in myself.
2. Shyness: When I talked to girls... especially when they didn't have a boundary and turned super friendly with me, my face will turn red and awkward. The situation will get worse when I liked that girl... Usually, I will counter it by...
3. Acting Tough: Trying to hide my feelings from other people and lead to loneliness... At least something which I can hide my dignity or pride or ego. (honestly... I am unable to differentiate it well)

I won't go deeper... I worried I might feel super upset with myself.

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Is this something I could change?

1. To be more confidence and positive in believing in myself
2. Learn to accept compliment
3. Don't compare myself with others anymore, but compare my yesterday-me.

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I think again, many genetic lottery winners who will also possess such great qualities than I do; their flaws may also become their qualities as they are the forgiving ones. Since I didn't have such privileges then I should stay focus on whatever I have. By comparing with the winners and other people will not get me anywhere near their level, and I will only face darkness like in the past. From now, I won't want to live my past-self.

I want to be someone positive and better person as I am tired of going back to darkness already... Struck there for too long.

I will be strong and better Jeff. Keep it up!

Jeff