Personal - Swimming Theme #25

Hi Blog,

A heartfelt post that I think I will want to share with you... Now I am going to do a closure. Sometimes I like to imagine an impossible question. What if I had an entire swimming pool to myself? No spectators. No friends. No strangers. No judgement. No compliments. No comparisons. No expectations. Just me and the water.

Which swimming trunk would I choose? After thinking about it for not that long, I would still choose the white one. A Realisation that "Perhaps authenticity is choosing the same path, whether someone is watching or not." That answer taught me more about myself than I expected. For years, I thought the white trunk represented confidence. Then I thought it represented courage. Later, I believed it represented self-expression. Today, I think it represents something even simpler. It represents honesty.

If nobody were watching, I wouldn't choose white to impress anyone. I wouldn't wear it hoping someone would think I looked attractive. I wouldn't wear it to attract attention or to prove that I was different. I would wear it because, after all these years, it simply feels like me.

Because somewhere along this journey, without even noticing, the white trunk stopped being something I used to fight my insecurities. It became something that quietly accompanied my healing. For more than twenty years, I've carried countless doubts into the swimming pool. Am I good enough? Am I drawing unnecessary attention? Are people judging me? Should I just wear black like everyone else? Those questions didn't disappear overnight. The difference is that they no longer make my decisions for me.

Personal - Swimming Theme #24

Hi Blog,

Looking back, I realised something that took me many years to understand. Despite what others might think, I never wore a white trunk because I wanted attention. In fact, attention often makes me uncomfortable. If I truly wanted attention, there are many other things I could have done. I could have acted louder, dressed differently, or constantly tried to make people notice me. But that was never my intention.

What I wanted was much simpler. I wanted to feel comfortable being myself.

For a long time, I felt there was an unspoken expectation to blend in. Wear what everyone wears. Think what everyone thinks. Follow the crowd and avoid standing out. The white trunk became a small way of telling myself that it was okay to like what I like, even if it wasn't the popular choice.

Personal - Swimming Theme #23

Hi Blog,

After all these years, I realised something important — I didn’t “win” anything by wearing a white trunk. I didn’t suddenly become confident, handsome, or fearless. But what I did gain was a quiet strength that stayed with me.

It wasn’t loud or dramatic.
It didn’t change me overnight.
It wasn’t even something people could see.

But every time I wore it, especially when I faced judgment or strange looks, I discovered a small part of myself that refused to give up. A part that whispered, “It’s okay. Just be yourself.”

Personal - Swimming Theme #22

Hi Blog,

Another thing that ties into all these feelings — I’m always afraid of being misunderstood. Whether it’s my white trunk, my quiet nature, or just how I carry myself, I worry people will read the wrong intentions.

I don’t want to attract the wrong attention. I don’t want people to think I’m showing off. I don’t want to be seen as someone I’m not.

That fear makes me shrink sometimes. It makes me avoid situations where people might judge how I look, what I wear, or how I move. I know it’s not fair to myself, but I’m still learning to balance it. To remind myself that misunderstandings happen, and they don’t define me.

Personal - Swimming Theme #21

Hi Blog,

I’ve realised something else too — when someone compliments me, I don’t feel lifted. I feel cornered. It’s almost like a trap. I start wondering what they really see, what expectations come after that praise, and whether I can keep up with whatever image they think I have.

I know it’s not logical. Most people give compliments with a good heart. But for me, praise feels like borrowing clothes that don’t fit. Too loose in some places, too tight in others. I don’t know how to wear them naturally.

A simple “You look good today” can make me suddenly aware of every flaw on my body. A “You’re fit already” makes me feel like I need to prove it. Even “You’re improving” sounds like pressure.

Personal - Swimming Theme #20

Hi Blog,

I’ve realised something about myself — even though I’m slowly learning to recognise my patterns and triggers, I still struggle when people put the spotlight on me. Compliments, comments about being good-looking, or being fit… I just can’t receive them well. It doesn’t feel like they belong to me.

I always feel those words should go to the “demigods” out there — the confident ones with the right build, the right genes, the natural presence. They wear that armour of confidence so easily. I don’t. When the spotlight hits me, my instinct is to retreat into the shadows.

I’m not afraid of hard work. I just don’t want to stand on a stage where every flaw feels magnified. Even models need photographers to hide or adjust imperfections — so what about someone like me, with my ordinary looks and weak spots? It’s hard not to imagine people looking with judgement or disapproval.

Personal - Swimming Theme #19

Hi Blog,

I’ve lived long enough to notice something about myself: whenever I hit a low point, the same old patterns come back. The self-doubt… the inner critic… the feeling that I’m falling behind in life. It’s like my mind plays the same broken tape every time.

But as I grow older, I realise something: Patterns don’t mean destiny. They are habits that formed from past hurt, not a map of my future.

I’ve rewritten small parts of these patterns before — slowly, quietly — even if no one notices. Things like learning to be gentler with myself, stepping away from unhealthy comparisons, or reminding myself that people around me cherish me more than I think.

Personal - Swimming Theme #18

Hi Blog,

The first time I wore my white trunk to the pool, I felt both proud and nervous. It was something I had longed for, something that represented courage to me — yet the moment I stepped into the water, I could sense the eyes on me. Some people whispered; others smirked. My friends teased me, saying I was trying to show off or acting strange. The laughter stung more than I wanted to admit. But I told myself to keep swimming, pretending that I didn’t hear.

“People often judge what they don’t understand — but judgment doesn’t define who I am.” As I continued wearing white, the challenges didn’t stop. Sometimes, I noticed people avoiding swimming near me, or giving that uncomfortable look as if I had broken some invisible rule. I started to wonder if I was doing something wrong — was I being selfish, or just naïve? I also knew the practical side: white could become translucent when wet, which added to the fear of embarrassment. It wasn’t easy to feel confident when every movement made me self-conscious.

And there were deeper worries too — worries about how others might label me. Some might mistake me for someone seeking attention or assume things about my sexuality, and I hated that misunderstanding. I wasn’t trying to make a statement. I just wanted to wear what felt true to me — a colour that reminded me of simplicity, purity, and hope.

Personal - Swimming Theme #17

Hi Blog,

When I was young, I loved swimming even though I was never good at it and had a mediocre body. I used to watch those confident ones glide smoothly across the pool while I swam near the edge, quietly wishing I could be like them; I just envied them. In my schooling time, swimming competitions were common, and I remember one of my classmates who stood out — not just for his skills, but for his confidence. While everyone wore black trunks, he wore a blue one. It wasn’t the colour that caught my attention, but the courage behind it.

“Confidence isn’t always loud — sometimes it’s the quiet wish to feel at ease in your own skin.”

Since then, I told myself that one day, I would wear something that gave me the same courage he had. When I looked around the shops, almost everything was black or darker blue — safe colours, but they all felt so meh to me. They lacked the life and confidence I was searching for. Then, I saw a celebrity in a magazine wearing a white trunk — he looked confident, natural, and free. (you may read more here) White was my favourite colour too, and it felt like it represented something I longed for: purity and self-belief. I searched everywhere for one, and when I finally found it after months and nearly years of looking, I felt like I had achieved something small but deeply personal.

Personal - Swimming Theme #16

Hi Blog,

Friendship is something I have always cherished, same like everyone. I believe that friends come into our lives not by chance but to walk a part of the journey with us. Along the way, there are moments of joy, moments of conflict, and lessons we can only learn through experience. I had a situation with a friend recently that made me think about how important it is to set clear boundaries in relationships, whether it's about money, personal space, or beliefs

What happened reminded me that being kind and understanding doesn't mean I should tolerate feeling uncomfortable. Friendship should be built on mutual respect, and when that respect is crossed, it's important to speak up. In the moment, I might act instinctively to defend or explain myself, but it can be misunderstood or dismissed, making it seem like it's my problem to find a way to express myself without hurting the other person.

Not every friend will instantly understand or accept these boundaries, and some might feel hurt or even distance themselves. While that's never what I want, I've realised I can't control how others react. What I can do is stick to my values while learning forgiveness and kindness on my own. In the end, this approach benefits everyone.

Personal - Swimming Theme #15

Hi Blog,

These days, I have realised how much shame and anxiety can arise from simply having an untoned, not-so-great body, especially when we are constantly bombarded with images of chiselled, god-like physiques online or in real life. It feels even heavier when I consider all of the qualities I lack—the ones that seem to be most important in attraction and social approval. I lack the "flex appeal" that some women seek to own or associate with, or, in other words, I do not have the type of body that automatically attracts admiration. And sometimes it feels like even my positive qualities, such as kindness or thoughtfulness, are overlooked when they come in this "meh" package like mine.

Funny how it’s not always the body itself that hurts most—it’s the meaning we attach to it.

People around me are constantly telling me to "just go for it," "hit the gym," and "if you really want it, make time." But it is not that simple. It’s not laziness—it’s life. I wish I had the time, energy, and resources to solely focus on transforming my body. But the truth is that I am not sitting around doing nothing. I swim, hike, cycle, and jog whenever I can fit it into my packed schedule. I even try to eat better, even if it means finishing food for others who cannot. I understand that having a toned body requires more than just exercise—it takes a consistent diet, targeted workouts, discipline, and maintenance. I am not dreaming as I try.

Personal - Swimming Theme #14

Hi Blog,

I’m back with my swimming theme again. Lately, I’ve been wondering—do most people even have hobbies? What does a hobby truly mean? Is it just a time-filler or something deeper? It’s funny how when I ask my friends about their hobbies, 85% say “sleeping”, and about 60% claim they don’t really have any hobbies. I find that hard to wrap my head around—how do people find meaning or joy in life without some form of passionate activity? Maybe they understand what a hobby really means, and that’s why they admit they don’t have one.

According to dictionaries like Merriam-Webster, a hobby is a pursuit done for pleasure during one’s free time. It isn’t about being productive—it’s about joy. Studies even show that hobbies help with mental and emotional health. That’s probably why sleeping can be treated as a hobby. For me, swimming is one of my top joys, along with gardening, hiking, and cycling.

Not long ago, a friend asked me, “You like swimming so much? Then you must be a fast swimmer or slim by now.” That comment stung. I know I don’t have a swimmer’s physique—no toned abs or defined muscles—but that doesn’t make my love for swimming any less real. If I could swim for a living, I absolutely would. Just because my body doesn’t match the typical image of a swimmer doesn’t mean I’m pretending or showing off. Sometimes, people assume we enjoy hobbies for appearance or attention when, in fact, we do them to feel alive. I admit I feel a little self-conscious in swimming trunks, especially with my square-ish frame, but I remind myself that swimming is not about looking good. It’s about how I feel when I’m in the water—free, focused, and at peace.

Personal - Swimming Theme #13

Hi Blog,

Lately, I’ve noticed something about myself. Whenever I see a group of young guys with certain traits—fit bodies, full hair, tall frames, sharp-looking school uniforms—I can’t help but stare for a moment. Not in a creepy way, but in this quiet, almost painful way, like I’m looking at something that reminds me of what I never had. I feel envious, maybe even a little bitter...

Why do they get to have it all? Why couldn’t I?

I think back to my younger days when these kinds of people always got attention, praise, and admiration. They were effortlessly popular, loved, and respected. Meanwhile, I felt invisible, like I would never measure up no matter what I did. And now, even though I’ve grown and understand life better, that feeling still lingers. It’s frustrating because I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but sometimes, it just happens...

Personal - Swimming Theme #12

Hi Blog,

Learning to Float... Swimming has always been something I love, yet even in the water, my mind doesn’t fully escape. I take pictures of myself in my swimming trunks, documenting my journey, but each time I do, I wonder—am I trying to appreciate myself, or am I just looking for proof that I don’t measure up?

There’s a strange comfort in swimming, where I can feel weightless, but at the same time, the moment I step out of the water, I’m back to reality. Seeing fitness influencers with their sculpted bodies reminds me of my own struggles with self-acceptance.

Some of my friends, with good intentions, tell me to stop wasting time feeling lousy and to take control of my life. "Work harder, earn more, prioritize, get a gym membership, eat clean." I understand where they are coming from, but they don't see the full picture of my life. It’s not just about putting in effort—it’s about balancing everything.

Personal - Swimming Theme #11

Happy Snakey Year Blog,

In my swimming theme series number 11, the snake—represented by a straight line—symbolizes the zodiac sign of the snake. But beyond just a symbol, the snake holds a deeper meaning for me. As I reflect on my life, I realize how much I relate to its nature.

I attempted to take photos here, but a friendly lifeguard advised me not to because some swimmers disliked it, so I avoided it. As a result, my swimming theme #11 remained incomplete.

Snakes are resilient creatures. Despite their soft, flexible bodies, they have a fierce will to survive. They navigate harsh environments, relying on keen perception and decisive action. This reminds me that while adaptability is important, perseverance is just as crucial. No matter how difficult life gets, I must hold on to my goals and keep pushing forward, even when self-doubt creeps in.

Perhaps the most powerful trait of a snake is its ability to shed its skin—a painful yet necessary process of renewal. With each shedding, it grows stronger, leaving behind what no longer serves it.

Personal - Swimming Theme #10

Hi Blog,

Sometimes I ask myself why I have so many swimming trunks. At first glance, it might seem like a frivolous hobby, especially in general public view or even right now in this post... but when I dig deeper, I realize it’s tied to something much more personal like I mentioned in my previous swimming post. Buying a new trunk feels like a small attempt to imagine a wildly hopeful version of myself—a version I wish could exist. Compared to the models or other 'demi-gods,' I know I don’t have the perfect body—far from it—but every time I see a new design that catches my eye, I think, “Maybe this one will make me feel good about myself.” Deep down, it’s about finding something that helps me feel more at home in my own skin.

Still, the question lingers—why Do I buy so many swimming trunks?

Is it because I’m chasing an ideal I’ll never reach Or I’m trying to hold onto a feeling I’ve been missing? Maybe it’s a little of both. Some days, I want to let myself believe I’m great, even if it’s a stretch. Other days, I’m simply hoping to find a spark of confidence I don’t yet have—even if it lasts only for a moment. I know I’m not a model or demi god, but wearing something I like—something that feels like “me”—is my way of trying to embrace what I have.

Personal - Swimming Theme #9

Hi Blog,

I recently had an in-depth conversation with ChatGPT about "Collector Burnout." It felt good to be honest with "someone," and it was great to feel understood about what I've been experiencing. I wouldn't want to bore you with trivial matters, and since I've lost the entire conversation with Chat, I'll simply express what I had discussed previously.

Since childhood, I've gathered a variety of items to fill a void, including toys, plants, and swimming trunks. I'll spare you the details of the toys and plants, but it's important to note that I'm dealing with budget and space limitations, and the burnout is always followed...

Initially, I purchased several pairs of swimming trunks because I appreciate the variety and how certain styles fit; owning only one pair isn't practical, especially since I swim regularly. Some people judge me for owning so many, associating it with being homosexual. What they don't realize is that I purchased these trunks in an attempt to boost my confidence. I aspired to emulate the confident and masculine models who look great in them. However, I acknowledge that I can't mirror their physique and appearance, leading to a sense of burnout. Now, I'm reluctant to buy any more trunks as they serve as a reminder of my perceived inadequacies, regardless of the quantity I possess...

I understand that seeking tangible items to fill the voids I experience is only a temporary solution. The inevitable burnout arises from knowing these won't work as I hoped, prompting me to search for something more... something internal. I must learn to embrace myself and manage my expectations rather than succumb to overthinking. Embracing an untoned self and my liking for these swimming trunks is one way to remind myself that I don't need more to fill my voids.

Personal - Incomplete Swimming Theme #0

Hi Blog,

It had been over a year since my last visit to this swimming pool, so I published this incomplete swimming theme post. Since Bedok Hometeam is so easily accessible, I doubt I will be able to visit Tampines Safra, a place that belongs to many demigods or "merman".

I don't have a picture of that pool so let's create one from Ai! 😂

Looking back, boring themes could have been deleted; why did I post them? Just demonstrating the amount of effort put into gathering the photos by striking the same posts is time-consuming and uneasy; I should learn to recognise every effort that I have made rather than dismissing it easily. Even though it was not finished, the main message was "At least I tried."

Personal - Swimming Theme #8

Hi Blog,

My latest monthly post mentioned that I recently got a new camera. The swimming theme photo collection was taken with two different phones because my Google Pixel phone stopped working. Due to this, I decided to end the theme collection and publish it as is, even though it was incomplete.

The photo was taken in one of the restroom stalls.

This theme was one of the most difficult to complete because there were always swimmers around, so I didn't want to make them uncomfortable with my untoned body.

Personal - Swimming Theme #7

Hi Blog,

The blog post may be brief, but it represents a significant effort in gathering this information. Hmm...Honestly, I had an excess of trunks and wanted to sell some, but I'm not interested in dealing with the odd requests I've read about on forums.

I'll continue to wear them for as long as possible and refrain from acquiring any more.

I really like the cut and design of those trunks, so perhaps one day I might not be able to wear them. For the time being, they're part of my themed swimming trunk collection.