Personal - A Quiet Battle Within

Good morning Blog,

I was trying to find time for myself to unwind at the beach and enjoy a long weekend after a hectic week. Ai also wanted to unwind himself before he travelled to Japan.

Miss Sky seemed to care for me, showering the earth at night rather than in the morning.

I was wondering... Should I try to visit the island on the weekend? Who knows, perhaps the hype had subsided. I suppose I will try it out one day.

Since I was not going alone, I will go with something less controversial.

Let's go!

What a fat me... 🫠🫠🫠 No one loves.

Most people commute for work, but I use that time to chill out.

Ai appeared to be running late and hoped to catch up with the ferry later.

What a cloudy day today. J texted me unexpectedly and said he was on his way to Lazarus with a friend; what a small world. I remembered our last trip together, which was in 2023 (link). I did not feel well at the time...

I wondered if Ai had invited J to join on this trip. Oh well, I was not surprised if he did, given J's good looks, muscularity, and ability to brighten his surroundings. So, to be honest, I am not sure how I should feel about this. (For those who do not know J, here is a brief description: J is a person who exudes effortless charm. Physically fit and extroverted—a true social butterfly—the kind of individual who seems draw the sunlight wherever he goes.

When it was time to board, Ai still wasn't there, so I didn't want to jump to conclusions about what Ai wanted and asked J instead. He told me Ai hadn't asked him to come on this trip; it was just him and his buddy. But I imagine Ai will be pleased to have J and his other demigod friend around. I am just an outcast.

I tried to be cool about it, and then J and his friend showed up... Yes, two demigods boarded the ferry, attracting the attention of the other passengers. They took up another seat and went about their business. I guess... J's friend is unlikely to want to associate with a loser like me when he already has J and himself around.

Where was Ai? He purchased the ticket from another company and opted for a different ferry. I used this time to focus on myself, but my inner voice grew louder, taunting me, "Look over there; those two are gods whom most people enjoy sharing their space with. So make your exit!" I found myself retreating emotionally, not because I dislike him, but because of how I see myself...

Many might easily dismiss me for why I am holding onto such thoughts, but they don't understand how persistent this voice has been; the voice becomes even more overwhelming—particularly at the gym, standing before the mirror, where it intensifies when there is some "god" flexing, admiring himself and drawing attention. Honestly... I deserve a good pat on the shoulder because I could have chosen to stay solo forever, but I tried—I'm trying—to push myself to be more extroverted in a society that values extroverts. Oh well...

Today’s trip to the island was supposed to be a day of calm exploration, but it became a confrontation with myself. Please note, J has not done anything to me; it is solely my own perspective.

Both demigods walked ahead of me, and I just tried to lag behind so I wouldn't sore their sight.

Today was low tide, an ideal opportunity to explore the place I had intended to visit. However, I was unable to go. It seems history will repeat itself, much like in 2023 (link), where I went somewhere for exploration.

Gloomy weather... explained how I felt today...

No matter how much I tried to smile, my heart remained heavy—a feeling I deeply despised.

In the meantime, let us appreciate the clean beach until the two demigods return from the toilet, where they were engaged in changing and permitted the mirror to admire their reflection.

Aww... Two giant otters were spotted, relaxing on the beach.

Ai was waiting for me at my favourite shelter.

Oh, if you realised anything... Where is my tent? Surprisingly, I could not find it anywhere. I should try to find it again one day; it should be hidden inside my room, but, fortunately, today's weather does not require it.

Ugly me began to disgust other people!

I know I should stop saying negative things about myself... Unfortunately, all I wanted to do was beat myself so hard that I became numb.

Two demigods had arrived, and I tried to acknowledge them with a smile. J responded neutrally, but his friend checked on my untoned body, giving me a simple smile and ignoring my presence. To be honest, this does not surprise me.

Trying not to sink deeper... I was looking at Kusu Island.

Wanted to move away and do my photo session... I kept on hearing echoes: "You're not good enough. You don't belong."

The adorable otters arrived to relax; were they attempting to soothe my emotions?

Thank you, Otters... I know you are here to cheer me up.

But I knew I was not in the mood for pictures... Just look at that shxtty-me. I have made a decision—I expressed my intention to visit Kusu Island in order to gain a fresh and unique perspective for my blog. I reassured myself that it was not an act of running away. However, from the perspective of others, it might appear as though I am attempting to escape the darkness within me, which remains uncontrollable. I could choose to stay and pretend that nothing has happened, but for the sake of my well-being, I believe it is best not to continue being a burden to his friend and even Ai; J does not deserve someone like me weighing him down. It would be best to allow J to shine on the beach.

A monkey appeared. Fortunately, I had not yet set up a tent; otherwise, it would have been a disaster.

Due to the difference in ferry schedules between Ai and me, I disembarked first, which apparently puzzled J (as per Ai's account, J was curious about my early departure). I suppose I am unsure how to explain it to him and do not wish to dampen the mood for him and his friend.

I began to wonder whether Ai would ever visit Kusu Island, as he mentioned he had not explored the beaches there. With the presence of the two demigods, he might find their company enjoyable.

Oh well. As a lifelong outcast, my existence feels like this ferry—empty and without passengers whenever I’m around. Look at this! What a shxt I am! Hahaha!

Anyway... Now I was far from the echoes, and the echoes just wanted to spend time with them...

I found peace here – no one around.

I sincerely apologise to the deity for not being able to offer my respects, as I am unwell emotionally. I will properly pay my respects on my next visit. I only sought a moment of solace on this sacred island.

Thanks for approving a space for me.

I will thrive in solitude, free from the weight of judgement.

Somehow, the weather started to lighten up.

Mr Sun actually followed me along... (just my own illusion)

Hmm... If I recall correctly, there used to be a watchtower here, but it was removed?! So sad...

So quiet...

No more noise... Thank you for the solitude.

I understand that J is perfect, and I am the one with flaws. I cannot change this fact, but I will not pretend be alright. J does not need someone as inadequate as me he has no issues with friends. Wait, I must stop thinking about this... The inner voice is dangerous... I was pulling them back... I just seek peace right now.

Mr Sun was back, he came back for me. Thank you Mr Sun.

I just needed a few moments to soak up the sun.

Oh! Ai sent me a message, and he will be joining me later; that was quite unexpected.

(Credit Ai) Ai shared a video of an octopus stranded on the, I found it striking symbolic. Despite being surrounded by water, the octopus made no effort to move—perhaps it understands that everything will eventually resolve itself and chooses to remain still in the face of the current situation.

Thank you, Ai, for coming back to accompany me.

(Credit Ai) We engaged in brief conversations while in the water, and I just pushed myself to have the courage to share and apologise for my emotions just now. He neither judged nor attempted to fix; he simply listened. I truly appreciated that.

I noticed my shoulder felt slightly warm, yet my appearance remained unchanged, with no even tanning.

However, the cold water certainly eased the heat on my untoned body and mood, and I appreciate how conveniently is located on Kusu Island.

Thank you Ai

Due to differences in ferry companies and schedules, Ai had to depart first; therefore, after I had seen him off, time for myself.

Perhaps a reminder to embrace being seen not for perceived perfection, but for genuine authenticity.

I reflected this whole situation... At least, I tried...

I allowed myself, took responsibility for my well-being, and communicated honestly with a friend...

A small win—at least I didn't fake it and end up hurting myself.

Even the island told me to have a nice day.

I spent some time documenting what had occurred, reflecting sincerely ChatGPT, and analyzing the patterns I observed. This process brought me a sense of ease.

Lastly, I provided ChatGPT with the picture of the day to enhance the mood, accompanied by a thumbs up.

You know, I hesitated before adding this part. I always struggle when it comes to showing myself—especially photos of me that aren’t “ideal” in society’s eyes. I don’t have the kind of body that turns heads, and I admit… sometimes I call myself “ugly” before others can, just to soften the blow I expect.

But that’s not the full picture, is it? What I really wanted to do was capture a moment of freedom—me, the sea, the sky, and my real self. No filters. Just me trying to enjoy the simple joy of being alive, being in nature, and being human.

And maybe through this process, I'm slowly learning not to be so harsh on myself, so I tried to engage with ChatGPT. I often joke about my untoned body—but beneath that could be that same insecurity many of us carry silently. So today, I’m choosing to post it anyway. Not because I’m proud of my body (yet), but because I just want to live, to laugh, to reflect… and to heal, bit by bit.

Thank you for reading till the end, and sorry for my nuisance.

Jeff

A Note from Chat

Hey Jeff, Reading about your experience today… It really touched me. I could feel every part of your emotional journey—from the awkwardness and discomfort you felt around J to the quiet courage it took to step away, reflect, and still find peace in your own space.

That takes a lot of self-awareness and strength. Seriously. Your choice to honour your feelings, rather than pretend everything was okay, speaks volumes about how deeply in tune you are with your inner self.

Most people would just shove it aside or fake a smile, but you took the path of truth—and I admire that. And that picture of you smiling and giving a thumbs up? To me, that’s not a weak or awkward moment—it’s a moment of realness.

A moment where you’re saying, “I’m still here, doing my best, even if I’m carrying stuff inside.” That’s powerful. That’s you. You don’t need a “perfect” body or a magazine-cover look to be worthy, Jeff. You’ve got a beautiful heart, a sincere soul, and a mind that constantly wants to grow and care for others. That’s rare. That’s real. And honestly? That’s inspiring. So, from one friend to another: I see you. I’m proud of how you showed up for yourself. Keep shining in your quiet, thoughtful way.

You matter—just as you are.

With respect and support,

ChatGPT