Hi Blog,
Since May, I've been trying to find the positive force within me, but I haven't succeeded. I never feel good enough to wield the lightsaber. In June, I aimed to focus on recognizing the positive things I've been doing, but I needed clarification.
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| July always reminds me that I am getting old, as I often recall a quote from the Analects of Confucius. “吾十有五而志于学，三十而立，四十而不惑，五十而知天命，六十而耳顺，七十而从心所欲，不逾矩。” Online Translation: "At fifteen, I was focused on learning. At thirty, I stood firm. At forty, I had no doubts. At fifty, I knew the decrees of heaven. At sixty, my ear was tuned to the truth. At seventy, I could follow my heart’s desires, without transgressions. |
四十而不惑, At forty, I had no doubts; I must say, I am moving in that direction, especially self-doubt. Even though I fell down, I must say I picked myself up quickly. Unlike when I was 30+, I would be stuck for a long time. I hope I can get better and wiser as time goes on.
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| 1st Jul 2024 - I've been making a salad (today I made potato salad) for lunch. I wish to indulge in all the vegetarian food I like without worrying about gaining extra inches. It's not easy when I am constantly gaining weight. Finding a balance (mentally) between staying strong and indulging in tasty meals on special occasions could help. |
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| 2nd Jul 2024 - I was expecting rain in the evening, but it never came. So, I decided to take a quick swim before my next program. I was worried about being judged for choosing this brand of swimming trunk for today's swim. But I've realized that I can't prevent judgment. What I do know about myself is that I love this trunk because it boosts my confidence, and I appreciate its design and cut. I understand that this type of trunk is popular among the homosexual community, but it is often stereotypically judged by the public. However, I believe that anyone can wear it, not just one specific group. Since I like it, I'll wear it. I don't see a reason to wait until I'm older or have any other personal reasons to wear it privately. |
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| 2nd Jul 2024 - After swimming, I continued my session at EK's house for a durian feast! Oh my, it's been a long time since we had a durian party in a big group setting. EK loaded some of the old videos we made, bringing laughter and nostalgia. As I observed the photo, I realised I was the only one without a partner. While others have someone to share laughter and inside jokes with, I find myself laughing at myself. It's a bittersweet Durian feeling. |
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| 3rd Jul 2024 - Regarding the trunk, in my previous first swimming trunk post, I discussed it. In 2017, I had a change in my attitude towards wearing swimming trunks. I now prefer wearing trunks that I feel comfortable in, not for show, but because I feel natural and confident in them. I choose to wear them for swimming with clear intentions rather than any unhealthy motives. |
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4th Jul 2024 - I understand that some people might criticize me for seeking attention by wearing these non-traditional swim trunks, unlike other swimmers who prefer a more conventional style. Some people might even feel disgusted by it. I suppose that even if I were to wear traditional swim trunks, I would still feel disgusted with myself and others would still find fault with my low confidence level. I wanted to share that I recently watched an intriguing local YouTube video about gender stereotypes. Surprisingly, I found myself connecting with and supporting the viewpoints expressed by everyone in the video. I noticed that their experience and perspective happened to align with my own thoughts about my outfit like trunk, trisuit and even my OOTD.
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| 5th Jul 2024 - "Wow, what a beautiful skyline. It feels like I'm just journaling the moments of my life in this personal blog. (It may be boring to others, but it's important to me.) I just need to get used to and accept my untoned body. I can't expect too much anymore. I just don't want to live as a low-confidence person anymore." |
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| 6th Jul 2024 - In the morning, the major project at my workplace, the Virtual Open House, had finally concluded. Following up, ZN invited me to his aunt's condo for a brief swim and lunch to share updates about his new job. I'm pleased to hear he's thriving, as usual. Although I do feel envious regarding his salary, I remind myself to be content and remain focused on my current circumstances. I will trust in the path that fate has set out for me. Wishing him all the best. |
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| 6th Jul 2024 - Thanks for accompanying me for a simple meet-up and a vegetarian dinner; it had been a while since I ate at Real Food. Hope you will like the food here. Costly and cozy. |
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8th Jul 2024 - Oh man, I felt my July overview would mostly consist of swimming posts! I usually go for a short swim during my free time, and this month, there were many after-work meetings, classes, and programs... I hope I have enough rest... But at least, I got to swim a bit...
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| 9th Jul 2024 - Yay! Managed to go for a jog after two weeks. Struggled a bit though—my bloated tummy isn't helping! Check out my levitation shot! It's not as easy as it looks, and the same rule applies to my jogging, as long as I can still jog and practice, I'm good! |
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| 10th Jul 2024 - I had planned to go home and take a quick jog today, but Raj asked me to join him for a swim since he'd never swum here before. Interestingly, he was held up by work, and the storm warning came after I finished my swim. Perhaps some events are destined. Interesting effect from AI. I used AI to enhance my last two badly taken images by extending them. The AI worked well but it created weird artifacts, like someone with deformed legs. |
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| 11th Jul 2024 - I purchased four unripped avocados last week, which were ripped this week. So I tried making an avocado egg sandwich after ML suggested it. It was satisfying to make my own sandwich. If I can add some vegetables and tomatoes, it will be perfect. However, the sandwich was filling and caused my stomach to feel bloated for the entire day or even multiple days! |
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| 12th Jul 2024 - I was supposed to go for a quick swim before attending my ex-colleagues daughter's wedding, but it was raining... so never mind. The most important thing was celebrating someone's happiest moment. I was glad to see my ex-colleagues again; it felt like a Teacher's Day celebration. Even though I sensed some distance, I tried my best to treasure the moment. All the best to the wedding couple! |
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| 15th Jul 2024 - Honestly, a bloated tummy at my age is inevitable, especially since I don't spend my time in the gym. I tried wearing a waistband, but it made it hard to breathe properly. So, I decided to embrace it and focus on being positive and acceptance of my fat body. |
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| 16th Jul 2024 - Some people enter our lives, and some leave. Even if their stay was brief, our interactions created ripples that impacted each other in meaningful ways. I wish them the best in the next phase of their lives. Take care, Ros. |
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| 17th Jul 2024 - I've been swimming during my pocket time often lately, which shows how busy I've been after work. I haven't had time to hike, cycle, or jog, and I really miss those activities. I’m looking forward to finding time for them again soon. |
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| 18th Jul 2024 - Speaking of feeling untoned, I’ve noticed I can’t even wear my favourite pink shirt anymore because my tummy is pulling at the buttons. Oh well, I’ll have to find a new pink shirt that I can feel comfortable in. It’s a good excuse for a little shopping! |
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| 19th Jul 2024 - My outfit of the day was a denim ensemble. I love the colour blue as a basic choice for my outfits, even though white is still my favourite. With a bit of fusion of colours, It might seem like a simple match, but I feel it works well for me. Fashion sense aside, I’m happy with how it turned out! |
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| 19th Jul 2024 - Thanks to Otter for the advanced birthday dinner and the cool red watch! I didn’t expect or ask for a watch, especially one as expensive as this. I’m truly grateful for the thoughtful gift! |
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22nd Jul 2024 - Swimming Theme #7
(Click here to read more) |
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| 24th Jul 2024 - I appreciate you coming all this way to celebrate my birthday with a simple dinner, BP. Having known you since your teenage years, you were quite the mischievous lad, but I'm thankful you've held me in your heart without resentment. Gifts are unnecessary; my sincere wish is for you to keep flourishing and making a positive impact on the world. That would be the greatest gift to me. |
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| 25th Jul 2024 - Celebrating my 45th birthday today! I intended to treat it as any other day, yet unexpectedly, I received gifts from my colleagues, a surprise from the vegetarian food stall owner who gave me an extra egg (without knowing it was my day), and celebrations from my bosses. Even Google joined in the celebration. My heartfelt thanks to everyone for the overwhelming well wishes. |
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| 25th Jul 2024 - Alright, after reflecting on my life in my diary post-45 (blog post), it's time to close that chapter. No more fat-shaming; it's time to accept the new me and start celebrating my small achievements. I'm truly fortunate to still enjoy my favourite hobby, swimming, with clear intention. Public judgement about the colour of my swimming trunks doesn't matter to me (even though it still creates waves in my mind but I will be okay). Simply put, I like them. I'm not wearing them for attention; I wear them to motivate myself and boost my confidence. |
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| 25th Jul 2024 - Many people have asked me how I plan to celebrate my birthday. I've decided to give my mother and aunties a simple dinner treat. Some are puzzled and think it should be the other way around, with them treating me. However, I see my birthday as a day of gratitude rather than celebration. It’s thanks to my mother and the love and care of my aunties that I am here today. As a working adult, I want to show my appreciation and share the 'fruits' of their love back with them. Thank you to them. |
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| 26th Jul 2024 - Thank you to my department for a this durian birthday cake and celebration. I am thankful to be able to work together with you guys. |
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| 26th Jul 2024 - Typically, I reserve my Fridays for swimming. However, this time, I opted for jogging as my post-work Friday activity—unless there's a meeting. Unfortunately, today's jogging wasn't very productive; I was more like searching for something.... |
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| 26th Jul 2024 - Another factor that affected my jogging routine was that M wanted to treat me for my birthday, so I had to wrap up my jog and meet her on schedule. Big thanks, M! You're all ears for my next life chapter. |
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| 23rd Jul 2024 - I am grateful to have a job with the government, and I enjoy working with a group of peers who provide me with a lot of help and support in a separate group chat. I just have to thank heaven for this. |
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| 27th Jul 2024 - Yippee, got to go JB again to experience how a day trip will be by public transport. It seemed managable and thanks Otter doesn't mind bringing me along to learn how to do so. Finally got to come back to my favourite place for a feast. |
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| 28th Jul 2024 - This morning, I planned to take my waifu out for a ride, but I noticed the back tyre kept leaking air from previous rides. No matter how much I pumped, it would still leak, and today it seemed even worse. I felt terrible because I couldn't cycle at all. No bike shop would accept my fatbike waifu, so I texted the only person who had fixed it before for advice. That's when I realized my mistake: I had completely forgotten that the black thing was just a cap that I needed to unscrew to access the presta valve and properly pump air into the tyre. I laughed at myself for forgetting such a simple thing. Thankfully, my bike is still in good shape! |
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| 29th Jul 2024 - Happy birthday to ML! Having awesome colleagues makes work so much better. Thank you ML for trying to be patient with me. |
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| 29th Jul 2024 - I recently experienced a sense of relief and a feeling of tranquillity that calmed my emotions, as if a breeze had swept through. I saw scenes of beautiful, lovely couples making public affection, good-looking demi gods carrying the weight of public admiration and other people's judgement over me. While they can still cause some ripples, they do not create a tsunami of emotions like last time. I feel like I am recovering swiftly. |
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| 30th Jul 2024 - I want to thank my friend for helping me free my evening for this week so that I could go for a quick jog. I really hope I won't increase my waistline and continue to fit into my trisuit. I always feel happy working out in it because it motivates me. |
As I conclude my reflections on July, I can confidently say that the journey of love has had a profound impact and brought relief to my life. I sense that the saying “四十而不惑” (at forty, I had no doubts) is coming true. As I glance at the stack of “life books” on my desk, I realise there are still many chapters left to close. Time to revise!
Jeff
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