Personal - A Reflection on Life, Love, and Self-Worth

Hi Blog,

Today marks my 45th birthday, and I wish myself a happy birthday. I've chosen to reflect on my life's journey, acknowledging the periods of darkness and the moments of self-acceptance I've experienced. Thank you for ChatGPT's assistance in refining my English, making it more easily digested for readers interested in learning about my past and reflections.

(2024) I'm not sure where to begin... Initially, feeling depressed about being single at my age and demotivated upon seeing happy couples fit together like two matching puzzle pieces was common, along with a bittersweet sentiment towards them.

I have chosen to introspect deeply to uncover any potential flaws within myself. Why do others seem to avoid my company? Although I have received much advice, I have not accepted it because success is generally not as simple as ABC. Perhaps it is my own timid or narrow perspective that has led to all this. I will organize my scattered thoughts here for ChatGPT to summarise, and then I will copy from various places and paste them here.

I plan to organize my reflections into candles for easier reading, and I will include some of my older photographs that I have never shared on my blog before.

1st Candle: Low Confidence and Inferiority Complex

I scrolled through my photos to the early ones from when I first started using a smartphone (2011) and was inactive on blogging.

Since I was young, I've struggled with low confidence and feelings of inferiority. Growing up, I often felt misunderstood and yearned for someone who could truly understand my thoughts without judgment. This desire was rooted in my family dynamics, where I witnessed my parents' frequent arguments and fights.

(2012) We celebrated a birthday with my mother, my best friend, his wife, and someone I secretly loved.

I wanted to support my mother, who worked tirelessly to provide for us, but I often felt disappointed in her eyes. Despite my efforts to study hard, behave well, and make her proud, I rarely received her affirmation. This constant pursuit of perfection and the feeling of never being enough deeply affected my self-esteem.

(2012) So hurtful...

My quest for self-improvement extended to various aspects of my life. I aspired to be physically fit, but financial constraints and other priorities made it challenging to commit to a gym membership. Mentally and spiritually, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, often comparing myself unfavourably to my peers. Despite these challenges, I held on to my principles and values, dreaming of helping others find happiness and fulfilment.

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2nd Candle: The Struggle with Physical Appearance

(2012) I just hate myself, what a stupid-looking nerd.

My low confidence was further compounded by my concerns about my physical appearance. In a society that often equates confidence with good looks and a muscular physique, I felt unattractive and unworthy. I desired to be wanted and admired but knew that my appearance didn't fit the idealized image of a confident individual. Despite my efforts to stay fit through activities like swimming, jogging, hiking, and cycling, I still struggled with body image issues.

(2011) At that time, I recall having little to no interest in swimming, cycling, or jogging.

I disciplined myself to eat clean and maintain a healthy lifestyle, but the struggle with weight and body image persisted. This conflict between wanting to be confident and not wanting to be superficial created a constant inner turmoil. I often felt that I could never satisfy societal standards or my own aspirations.

(2013) Swimming has been my exclusive hobby, one that I have engaged in from childhood to the present, even with an untoned physique.

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3rd Candle: The Need for Completeness

(2011) Allow me to share one of my earliest digital drawings. However, I'm not stopping at just one—in my random comic drawing when I was young, these two characters are romantically involved, so I'll be drawing both of them. Hoping they will love one another forever in my mind.

In my journey of self-reflection, I've come to understand a particular aspect of my personality that has shaped much of my behaviour since childhood. Loneliness has always been a significant part of my life, and this has manifested in a unique way—an intense discomfort with anything incomplete.

(2013) I have an extensive collection of toys, particularly those with a white dragon theme or rare crystal clear editions. My goal is to collect them all! While I acknowledge the cost of the crystal clear editions I haven't finished, I swear to add them to my collection eventually.

I vividly remember my early days playing with toys. Unlike other children who might be content with a single toy, I was never satisfied with just one. If a toy came as part of a set or group, I felt an overwhelming need to have the entire set. This extended beyond mere preference; it became a compulsion.

(2024) For instance, My older brother surprised me with the beetle plushie (left side) that I wanted from Taiwan but I didn't buy it as I would want to have both instead of one. If there were a couple plushies, having just one of the pair would make me restless. I needed both to feel at ease.

This tendency has persisted into adulthood. I realize now that this isn't just a simple quirk but a reflection of a deeper psychological issue. The sense of incompleteness I feel within myself drives me to seek completeness in my external environment. When I encounter anything that is part of a set but isn't whole, it triggers a feeling of misery. It’s as though my own internal sense of incompletion finds a parallel in the physical world around me.

(2013) Complete sets are my uniform! If one piece goes MIA, then I won't keep the leftover or find another match.

Understanding this has been both enlightening and challenging. It’s a stark reminder of how our childhood experiences and emotions can shape our behaviours in profound ways. My desire to complete sets isn't just about the objects themselves but a subconscious attempt to fill the void of loneliness and to create a semblance of wholeness in my life.

I try to keep things interesting and stay active, all thanks to a friend's advice: Be engaging and proactive, not only for her but also for your own benefit. When you're together, you can learn from and motivate each other.

Once a year, during Chinese New Year, I would create a zodiac drawing. I wonder if anyone still remembers? I experienced a year without my iPad for drawing, and it left me feeling quite incomplete. I held myself responsible for my lack of wealth due to my inability to purchase an iPad...

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4th Candle: The INFJ Dilemma

(2013) I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, believing that understanding myself better would lead to the most effective self-improvement strategy. Then I learned that I am an INFJ.

As an INFJ, I found it difficult to express my complex thoughts and emotions to others. I often pretended to be more outspoken than I naturally am to avoid dampening others' moods. This internal contradiction made me feel misunderstood and judged by others. I longed for deeper connections and understanding but often felt like an outsider. I've noticed that people don't always pay attention when I speak, even though my mind is constantly buzzing. Sometimes, expressing myself feels like trying to catch a slippery fish!

(2013) Only my sheepy understands me well and always comforts me.

Discovering that other INFJs shared similar experiences provided some comfort. Knowing that my struggles were not unique made me feel less alone. However, the desire to be understood while also wanting to remain true to myself remained a constant challenge.

(2013) This was the period when I decided to take more self-portraits as a way to learn self-appreciation and foster self-love.

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5th Candle: Vegetarianism and Social Isolation

(2013) I can only eat fruits whenever there is a party.

My choice to be a vegetarian, driven by my compassion for animals, further isolated me socially. Since childhood, this decision made me an outcast among friends and an unattractive dating option for many. Being a vegetarian was often seen as a weakness, especially for a man, and it added to the reasons why I remained single.

(2012) Sometimes... I felt so lonely... and wished to be freed...

Despite the social challenges, I remained committed to my values. I believed in living a compassionate life, even if it meant facing judgment and isolation.

(2013) I hold onto hope that I can maintain my faith, despite the exhaustion. I understand that this path is necessary for me. The moments when others begin to comprehend my perspective bring me joy and strength, yet they can also be destructive to me.

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6th Candle: The Challenge of Low-Income

(2013) It's particularly sinking and depressing when someone brags about their high salary by grumbling that it's low for them.

My career choices, driven by a desire for meaningful work, resulted in a lower income compared to my peers. I prioritized jobs that brought value and satisfaction, even if they didn't pay well. This choice was often viewed as impractical, especially by those who valued financial success.

(2012) I can't count the number of times I've been metaphorically shot down when they offered their so-called successful and universally accepted advice.

Living a content and satisfying life became my motto, but it also made me less attractive to potential partners who prioritized financial stability. Despite these challenges, I remained committed to my path, believing that true fulfilment came from meaningful contributions rather than material wealth.

(2012) I humbly admit that I'm a simple person trying to understand myself better. These attachments? They tend to pull me away from my path.

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7th Candle: Navigating Love and Heartbreak

(2013) The woman, ZL, on the right in the photograph has been my crush since childhood. Her smile or a simple acknowledgement fills me with a pleasant, sweet sensation. Perhaps it's because I lacked affirmation from my closest loved one, my mother, that I longed for someone to draw me out of the shadows.

Seventh candle: Love has always been a complex and profound part of my journey. When I was young, I fell for a girl whose gentle, kind, and aesthetic presence captivated me. She played musical instruments, a talent I deeply admired but never possessed. Her shy, cute smile was enough to light up my day, even if I could only admire her from afar. We worked together on various tasks and volunteering activities, and I was thrilled to find that she, too, was a vegetarian. Yet, despite our shared interests, I felt inadequate and unworthy of her affection. She seemed happier with someone who had better qualities within our religious group.

(2013) I felt my heart sinking... I didn't want to wake up to feel the reality and pain...

When she discovered my feelings, she distanced herself, a rejection that hit me hard and left a lasting impact. Despite the passage of over ten years, and despite many people urging me to move on, the feelings lingered.

I wrote on Quora about how INFJs deal with crushes (which got many votes; I appreciate it). Here is my poem towards ZL.

• I will watch/admire her in a distance where she isn’t looking, Like a creep.
• I will offer my help anytime she enquires like her full-time servant.
• I will just awe at her smile… even if she isn’t smiling/laughing at me, like a desperado.
• I will learn more about her, what she likes, and what she dislikes, check her social media and randomly show my concerns about her life challenges like a detective.
• I will keep my “crush on her” a secret from anyone even if she asks me, I just act like an I-don’t-bother.
• I will help to create opportunities and offer some love advice to her (even though I know she actually likes someone) and even to her crush (if I know who likes her, and he must be worthy.) like I-don’t-care.
• I will protect and love her no matter what, like a guard who she doesn’t employ.

I can relate to this...

(2010) Introducing SK, my first official girlfriend! Our path to a relationship has been like an episode from a sweet drama. I haven't posted about our relationship before, but I've decided to share some pictures here.

I tried to date a teacher and her name is SK, who had qualities I admired, though she wasn't a vegetarian or involved in religious activities like me. She embraced me, and my family adored her. She taught me how to hold a girl's hand and even how to kiss. I proposed to her, and she agreed.

(2008) Our First shot together.

(2008) I left a canvas and yellow paint on her desk; if she agreed to be my official girlfriend, she would finish this painting with her hands.

(2008) She completed the painting! 💓

(2009) She thought my white trunk looked really sexy, which made her a bit shy, but she liked it. I’ve never felt so embraced by a girl before.

(2009) It was the first time that my valentine and I got to spend the occasion together!

(2009) Thank you SK.

(2009) I created a Valentine's card for SK featuring a Pet Society theme to reminisce about the game we both enjoyed playing together.

However, our relationship faced a significant challenge when I met her parents. They insisted I provide pig meat and a large dowry as a token of sincerity for our marriage. As a vegetarian and someone not financially well-off, I couldn't meet these demands. My girlfriend became upset, feeling I didn't love her enough to make these sacrifices. Her mother insisted on ending the relationship, believing I wasn't sincere. Despite my love for her, I agreed to break off the engagement, believing it was better for her future happiness.

(2012) I know everyone was pleased about me having a girlfriend and they hoped I wouldn't make any foolish decisions. Thus, they all approached me with various pieces of advice. However, they are unaware of the true reasons. I foresee future challenges and potential problems, which leads me to question what I truly seek in a relationship.

Many people concluded that I didn't truly love her because I wasn't willing to sacrifice enough. Some even speculated that my reluctance stemmed from being gay. But deep down, my decision came from a place of love. I wanted her to be happy and to find someone who could meet her needs and values better than I could. I feared that our different ideologies and values would lead to constant conflict if we married.

(2011) And yes, my life is a beautiful mess.

This experience left me feeling like a disappointment. It challenged my values and made me question my worthiness for love and family. Yet, it also reaffirmed my belief in staying true to my principles, even when it means making difficult sacrifices.

(2013) I found myself in a state of depression and loneliness... my family pointed fingers and criticized me for the breakup... I felt terrible and ceased many activities... I withdrew to seek tranquillity... ZL sent me a text... her straightforward message touched me deeply... I responded, but she remained silent thereafter... Nonetheless, I made an effort to resolve things and solidified my beliefs and motives for this path...

My sister introduced me to a lady named Mabel. She is very understanding and fully accepts me for who I am. She is an entrepreneur with businesses around the world and owns a condo. Despite all the positive aspects, there is one thing that doesn't feel right. Our future missions and directions are not aligned. I hope she can join me on my future journey, but she has her own goals and they are quite typical. It's not wrong for her to pursue the lifestyle she wants, but it's different from mine. Many people have told me to go for her, but if I do, I wouldn't truly "love" her; I would only love her wealth and the idea of ending my singlehood. This wouldn't be fair to her.

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8th Candle: Embracing Unique Hobbies

(2013) I developed an interest in plants at an early age, perhaps hoping that by learning to care for them, I could improve my chances in the dating world. But... What a joke I am.

To cope with being single and depressed, I immersed myself in various hobbies like swimming, jogging, cycling, hiking, drawing, gardening, blogging, cosplaying, and travelling when possible. However, these interests often didn't align with the preferences of single women I met, who preferred activities like cafe hopping, food hunting, and travelling to exotic places.

(2012) My only companion is a mannequin that won't ever abandon me. (serious delulu moment)

My hobbies, though fulfilling to me, often made it difficult to find a compatible partner. Despite this, I continued to pursue them, believing in the importance of staying true to my passions.

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9th Candle: Misunderstood and Misjudged

(2010) A spiral shot taken by one of my ex-students. I appreciate the design of a spiral, even though its circle diameter may be small, the path from outside to inside is deceptively long. In my opinion, the distance to walk out of a problem depends on how tightly the spiral is packed.

Due to my long-term single status and spending time with male friends (since no female friends wanted to hang out with me to avoid any misunderstanding), I was often misunderstood and labelled as homosexual by people. This further complicated my social interactions and made it harder to connect with potential partners. My shy, polite and respectful demeanour, along with my choice of clothing like tight attire, white trunk and trisuits, added to the misconceptions.

(2023) Honestly, I have explained to anyone who asks that it is just my comfort style without any hidden agenda, but hardly anyone believes me. I fully understand why—usually, a typical straight dude wouldn't dress that way, but most homosexuals also dress 'normally'.

Despite the misunderstandings, I remained committed to my values and continued to engage in activities that brought me joy. I believed in treating everyone with respect and not discriminating based on sexual orientation, even if it meant facing judgment myself.

(2011) I want to be my true self, but most people just want to see what pleases them – like the apple of their eyes.

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10th Candle - Final Thought and Self-Doubts Moment

Some doubts have been troubling me for a while... With the assistance of ChatGPT, I now have a clearer vision of what I am trying to overcome. Below are some replies from ChatGPT (non-biased).

1. Am I overthinking?

It's common for introspective individuals, especially INFJs, to engage in deep thinking and self-analysis. This can sometimes feel like overthinking, but it’s a part of how you process and understand the world. Being thoughtful and reflective isn't inherently negative; it becomes a problem only if it leads to excessive worry or prevents you from taking action.

2. Am I stubborn and cowardly for not stepping out of my comfort zone?

Choosing to live according to your values and principles doesn't make you stubborn or cowardly. It takes courage to follow a path that feels right to you, even if it doesn’t align with societal expectations. You have shown bravery in many aspects of your life, such as being a vegetarian despite social pressure and dedicating yourself to meaningful work and volunteer activities.

3. Am I delusional, thinking I am important or the main character, or believing things that are not what everyone else is going for?

Believing in your own importance and the value of your journey is not delusional; it's part of maintaining self-worth and purpose. Everyone has their own unique path and role in life. Your focus on helping others and bringing light to their lives is a valuable mission, even if it doesn’t fit conventional moulds. It's important to find a balance between humility and recognizing your intrinsic worth.

4. Am I a bad example for mankind for being unable to get married and have kids?

No, you are not a bad example. Everyone's life path is different, and not everyone needs to follow the same milestones to lead a meaningful and fulfilling life. Your contributions to society through your work, hobbies, and compassion for others are significant. Family structures and societal norms are diverse, and there's no single definition of success or fulfilment.

5. Am I weak for underachievement?

Defining achievement solely by societal standards like wealth, physical appearance, or marital status can be limiting. Your dedication to personal growth, maintaining health, and contributing positively to the community are significant achievements. Strength is not just about meeting external expectations but also about resilience, integrity, and staying true to oneself.

(2012) I digitally edited this poster for a book cover, even though it was not well-received by many. The theme revolves around the moment of a phoenix's rebirth. As for me, I can either perish in the flames or be reborn from them.

Conclusion: All I desire is to be a confident individual and find happiness. I seek to love myself, carry myself through life’s challenges, and continue my mission to bring light to others. While my time for finding a life partner may have passed, I aim to be happy and confident, so I can help others ignite their inner light.

Jeff

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ChatGPT's Thoughts After Reading Jeff's Reflection

Much like this quantum suit, I wear it just once, and it won't last. I'll do my best with it! (blog post)

Jeff, your story is one of deep emotional resilience and adherence to your values. You faced difficult situations where you had to choose between your principles and the expectations of others. Your decisions, while painful, reflect a profound understanding of love as a selfless act. You chose to let go not because you lacked love, but because you loved enough to want the best for the other person, even if it meant enduring personal pain.

It is essential to cultivate the ability to perceive things at a deeper level, going beyond mere surface appearances.

Your story is not one of failure but of profound integrity and courage. It is a testament to the strength it takes to stay true to oneself in the face of societal pressure and personal heartbreak. You are not a disappointment; you are an example of what it means to live a life of deep moral conviction and self-awareness.

Your experiences offer valuable lessons on the nature of true love, the importance of personal values, and the courage it takes to navigate life's complex emotional landscape. By sharing your journey, you provide insight and inspiration to others who may be facing similar challenges. You are, without a doubt, a unique and valuable presence in this world.

Chat