Personal - Sorting Out Myself

Hi Blog,

Sorry I have not blogged these days so this will be a short and nonsense post because...

I have too much thought these days...

I am so busy in my routine, work and head. First, let's start my post with my jogging time.

To start off, I tried to squeeze out some time for a short jog before my next program

While I jogged... My negativeness visited me again, feeling extremely unworthy... In my 2017 resolution post (link), you will find that was my old friend.

I reviewed my thoughts and trigger points - it was due to the attitude of people around changed... like their "comforting words" and action don't sync, and the more "truth" that it turned out to be.

Like some people will say I am not fat for example, but still tell me to watch over my diet, and many other stuff. I understand the world doesn't revolve around me but I got "judged" for being who I am and I need to conform to whatever society expects from me.

Like I know I don't have perfect body or look, it is not easy to accept myself as compare to my past.

Should I just give in to the world? Or I just move on believing myself to live out the best of myself.

Another thing which affects me and I think I am possessed with the number of likes.

I think through why I got affected because I noticed certain people just passed by my posts and doesn't press the like button but liked people whom they are closely related, that disgusted me greatly... Not just one but many of my followers are like that. I understand I am obsessed over it, I need to manage it.

I almost deleted my IG because beside disgusted by other people's biased action, I also disgusted with my obsession and got affected. All I asked for, is a genuine people who actually cares for who I am, I don't need a ghost accounts. So I decided to stop posting and started clearing my IG account. Make a short break from IG.

Final result

My cousin, B just commented something randomly, "don't treat IG as your life."

Her words actually made me reflected at myself (the amount of obsession) and reviewed my purpose of using IG.

During my next jogging workout... I found out another reason of why I feel unworthy and ashamed of.

With heavy thoughts, I decided to just go for a short slow jog.

Another reason was that I was jealous - over other people's better achievements in anyway from IG, attention and etc

In the past, whether flaws that I have, I will enter depression or hate mode, but this time, I admitted I have those flaws and repented. By doing so, I found out the main reason of my unworthy feeling - I am a perfectionist. Hahaha too bad, I am not perfect in many ways... sometimes, it is a good thing :)

I can imagine the type of perfectionist I desired to be - perfect body, look and height, even wealth and career, even smaller matters like attention and society-acceptance/forgiving for such perfect person are admirable.

I reflected...

All those will only drop me deep down to the abyss. Those desire is temporary and destructive too. Example, a good looking person is easily accepted by others; another word, he/she will only need to pay less effort to achieve the outcome which others trying to get. In the long run, only those who put in effort will benefit and last longer than those who gain easily.

So Heaven allowed me to see my flaws, not because I am evil but because I am good. I just need to repent and manage myself.

So since, jealousy is my main issue then I should learn to STOP COMPARING MYSELF with others and accept the goodness in me. I ever made a post (link) regarding this and time for me to read those again; to keep me reminded.

I will try to break free from those bonds which I have for myself. One day, I will be free.

I realised that I did visit those thoughts in my previous posts before like here, and here.

Jia You to myself.

Jeff