Personal - Attending Wedding Day

Hi Blog,

Today is Saturday morning, which is a special day for my cousin because he is getting married. To be honest, I feel rather moody (I know you will say what's new to this emo-Jeff?)... Too many thoughts going on for that day...

Dress up how I dressed up for CNY or any other wedding occasions.

Warning... It is a boring and negative post so if you aren't interested with my life, just skip it.

Congrats to my cousin K for getting married and he is happy.

Honestly... I felt upset with myself for being a failure for being Single and Unwanted until now... Most of my cousins and friends got married. I know myself... People claimed I am just simply self-pity, if I want to get a girl, I can get it easily! But... they aren't me... why I feel so upset with myself because I don't have that kind of ATTRACTION that other guys received from their GF/wives...

I have this introvert quality... and reserved, many girls simply got turn-off. Even when I speak, I speak without CONFIDENCE. (No one will understand the pressure that I have to take, to speak because I don't have anything interesting to share... The word "interesting" is quite biased to individual than open-minded one.) Just look at me... What things I have to be proud of?

Good looking? I am just average which doesn't leave any impression to anyone's mind beside a guy with a white spec.

Tall? I am below average height of the whole world.

Physique? I am just a typical guy carrying tummy. No define chest and shoulder.

Wealthy? I have to live within budget. Can't even buy things as I like. I don't even own a car.

Character? I am just Good-guy type and not attractive enough to make girls feel any special towards me.

Look... Blog... the pressure is REAL and in the past, I have being trying to stand up on my both feet everything I fell. Sometimes, I just wish that I can feel SAFE and PEACEFUL with. But in this society, this kind of wish is only for the girl; guy supposes to make the girl feel safe instead. Oh well... After CC break-up... I see myself clearly... I still love someone, Spider because just by looking at her, I feel rather Safe and Peaceful but... she doesn't love me as I am not MANLY enough for her; I finally found the main reason why I feel lack of confidence.

Many people that I met, those who can find a GF or next GF, who had a smooth, well-accepted first relationship before; they (75%) can recover to another relationship easier than those who doesn't. For me, I don't have a smooth start-up and all I got, were visual-judgmental, materialistic-calculation, funny-label and classification of what I am belong to.

Oh well... I stopped ranting and back to topic.

I tried to stay neutral than drawing my lousy loser attitude on my face, attending their grand ROM ceremony in the Church. We went back home and rested until evening time for their dinner ceremony.

Dress another set of clothing for dinner and most importantly, dress myself with a smile.

Carrying a bag for night stay-over at EK's place.

At the ceremony, it was a typical wedding ceremony at BIG restaurant. One more thing which hurt me, was... we got forgotten by our cousins... We used to hang out together with my cousins but because of one incident from my sister and one of my cousins... we were not that close anymore... Even though, it isn't my fault and they tried to be polite but... I know there is a wall between us..

Here is my sis. I tried to have a good chat with her and heard her out with her daily problems, I tried to prevent my sister to know all my cousins went out the ballroom and took a cousin-picture together without us...

After my cousins had done with their group shot... honestly, I got so angry with them... but yet... I am angry with myself for being a lousy person... I am a failure in relationship... now I am a failure in cousin-circle... I guess... I just have to bond my family together so I asked my family member to take a group picture.

Smile, everyone. If loser is my life, at least, I will try to make it not.

By looking at my mother's sibling shot... the feeling was not great too... because...

... Their kids all got married except my mother... whose has three children and none of us got any partner at all... My brother gave up in getting anyone as he claimed NO one will want to be with a Blue-collar worker and my sister prefers same gender... Now pressure is really on me... But I am just a failure... Broke up with CC... even though she is a nice and compromising lady... too bad... I will prefer that she pursuits her dream to become a boss in China and educate more people in the poorer state by turning cold toward her. You can say I am a bad person... And yes I am a BAD and SELFISH person. That's why I am the kind of person who is unworthy to be loved.

All the Best to my cousin, K, stay happy as always.

To my other cousins, as long as I don't make everyone awkward with your group, I am fine to stay away from the group.

To my mother, I am so sorry for being a failure for unable to carry our family surname to next generation...

To my future GF, I will stop loving you because I won't want to shame you and make you suffer because of me. Please find someone who can give you happiness...

To my blog-readers if there is any, sorry for you reading such lousy post.... I know most of the people will prefer a positive post than this stupid post... Anyway... I appreciate that you still bother to read through... I am actually trying to be positive than letting me falling deep in the abyss.

Jeff