Hiking - Anyone Around

Good Afternoon Blog,

My motivation was rather low. Don't know how come it was so low... I shall hike to meet my friend, T, to collect my plant.

Nice weather today

I decided to hike in the noon and will want to go for a spidery-investigation and some self-reflection... Hopefully, I can push myself forwards.

getting fat and getting ready

I shall give a free cutting to T for helping us, Carnivorous Plants Community a lot

I can feel the heat from Mr Sun, wondering will MacRitchie crowd at these hours?

My mind started to ruminate my flaws...

I better hurried my steps and entered the wood for shade.

I started to think... of Door-Slaming onto others

Honestly... the feeling of me door-slamming sucks.

Wooow. There was no one hiking at this timing. (Can't say no one but lesser hikers around) Perfect me-time moment

Anyway... I will not want to do it to others because I got that from others most of the time (ghosting and forgotten) It may not be door-slamming but I am just behind the door... 

Today weather seemed normal and perfect for such hike :D Becoming my favourite hiking timing

Well... When that happened... It is because that person had pushed me over the edge (usually gaslighting or I really need a SYSTEM reset before I got worse)

I have to face a lot of running inner-conversations and I feel drained.

I will try my best to express my ideas, views, approaches in the non-hurtful way...

Oh yes! Since No one around... It will be perfect to do my spider-investigation!

Usually... I will shut and have to EXPLAIN other matters to whoever I rise. Let me give an example: The main topic we have, will be on "Going on a trip". But others will prefer me will inform them or tag them along the trip. But I am thinking for my friend who will be going on this trip, to see whether are they comfortable to have my other friends to tag along. Even if one claimed I can just ignore themselves and focus on my initial friend, do you think I will allow that???

What about my friend's? Will they be okay to have a stranger (but friend of mine) to tag along? Will they even want to reject me openly? And because I (leading) am asked them, even if they feel uncomfortable, usually they won't express it but to follow my wish. (Causing more unnecessary unhappiness)

Anyway, once I reached the deserted zone.. It seemed like I am not alone... Some people were in the water, fishing...

I thought it is not supposed to fish? Oh well... Cannot be spider today I guess...

Back to the topic... I know my friend/s... Why they/he/she wants to go on a trip with me. Am I respecting them in the first place if I want to include someone else whom they don't know?

Back to my other friend (who wants to tag along), After explaining that it is not possible to tag along. I had been questioned, "Why not? Why can't? Did I even asked? Why should I worry them or him or her or whatever? Why do I have to be bothered?"

WOW! I found a wild unknown philodendron! Even though the size is small compared to Philodendron Maximum but it is still a nice plant to admire.

Sorry, I got distracted and excited by the wild plant. without mixing other elements (like characters, attitude, the words from the person) in the progress, that person was pushing me to an edge and I felt pressurised for feeling lousy and triggered; like It has come to a point that I can't communicate with that person anymore. (Because I won't want to throw my anger towards that person.)

I just simply want to reset the whole thing - it is getting out of hand... I was trying to be nice and polite, be patience... But that person just keep on pushing, questioning or perhaps unappreciative... I will just keep quiet.

Even though that I stated it is an example but such scenario just on playing in my life... I am not just target towards that particular person, I am just saying those in general.

When my heart ran out of ways to think... I will hand over the authority to my brain, which is logic.

:) I guess I really love the beauty of the simple leaf can get. So much characters than just "Showing" like flower.

When my brain can find any logic solution, I only have one option - Slam the door!

I will not look back and either that you have to face my STUPID nonsense!

If I see you, I will still smile and say hello, walk along.

You can judge me whether you want, thinking that I am judging you first or whatever. I know one thing - I always believe everyone has the good side and learn to give my trust towards them. If they want to abuse my trust, faith and kindness, after the dawn, the sun was set, they will taste some darkness from me but the moon will be there watching...

This picture expressed my feeling and mind perfectly when my mind and heart decided to shut down someone.

Got one of my forgotten purchase which they shipped to SG finally due to Covid, hope it will survive.

Sorry for ranting again... I don't usually express my negativeness to anyone... Who will want to listen to me? Just like today hike, who wants to lend me their listening ear? Anyone?

Jeff