Even since I set my 2017 resolution (post); I took baby-steps to achieve it, even though I felt happy that I feel 'better' of myself and slowly explore the real me. (2017 dec post) So I decide to make 2018 resolution.
It will be a personal lengthy boring post, you may skip it.
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| In this drawing, there are six creatures born from my palms. Those creatures are my ‘voices’ which haunt me for years. ‘Spidipede’ - crawls around me, represents my liking for some person for years. ‘Predictor’ - holds a book, represents my habit of predicting possibilities. ‘Kingsnake’ - big head with a tongue sticking out, represents those people who live like a king, possess great genes and like to brag about their winning. ‘Womanta Ray’ - Sting ray-like creature at the back, represents my search for Miss Right but it is required bait which I can’t give. ‘Jukger’ - creature which holds a half mask, represents judgmental people who are happy to see someone under your feet. ‘Rabat’ - creature which has a pair of cute rabbit’s ears, represents my naiveness which people think I am disgusting. |
Don't Be Affected
I tend to get affected by people's remark, comment and view, due to a prolonged, haunting and damaging voice since I was young. Many will view it as I allowed the voice to enter my mind, in some sense, I agreed.
When I was young, I was taught to have a positive mindset so that the situation will be positive. As time went by, I learned that I was just too naive or rather immature - believing that I am good but in fact, I am nowhere near if compared to my peers and my life turned sour. For example, I was undesirable among girls, I can't fit in etc etc... so I shared my concern and worries with my "friends", instead of help, I got extra confirmation as they commented, “girl won’t like a guy like you. You are a ugly frog.” Or “it is best to find someone your own league.” Or one of the worst comments “who wants to carry your genes?”
Honestly, I tried to hide my sadness and be “more positive” and acted like “I am okay”; inside of me.... there was one thing I do to make me feel better, was to believe that I am a loser because that is one fact which I got it right of myself. As long as I swim in the negative-pool, anymore negative comments won't add more pain or weight since I am drowning.
Is that a right way to do? Is that method worked? No. It only numb myself for the moment.
Resolution: Live the Best of Myself
During the days of acceptance (link), I learned something important. I learned I have my own strengths which I shouldn’t condemn!
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| Meaning of my name - I should live up my name. |
I read this story about “drowning cat” (link). When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Since life threw me a plain and average life, then I shall learn to make it rich, meaningful and contented! The main key isn't make my own life rich but rich others too.
When I was young, I always want to be a hero. I guess that desire to be hero is childish, as I am not born to be hero but I can be an unsung hero. I understand no one will understand or have a clue of whatever I am doing, but I guess it is a tough and lonely journey - let's walk with no regret. :)
In previous resolution, I wanted to stop wearing trisuit and actually planning to sell it away but I have to be honest to myself - I really like to wear trisuit, bodysuit or tights because it makes me feel engaging especially workout and I just like the feeling of "hugging"/"fitting". I understand people will just judge and associate me for liking trisuit/tights with homosexuality.
I can't stop how you think of me, and I understand I have a disgusting, inferior and obscene body part which is a turn-off for many. Look! I am totally get it.
Resolution 2: Customised Attire
I will wear a top over my trisuit with anyone unless that person won't mind me in trisuit. If not, I will wear that for my workout with other people. When I am alone, I will just be my favourite and comfortable style.
Last year I had planned and wanted to attend course for learning third language - Japanese. But I process slowly because money issue.
Resolution 3: Learn It Own Time Own Target
I will start to learn from youtube and some helpful links below.
When I was young, I always want to be a hero. I guess that desire to be hero is childish, as I am not born to be hero but I can be an unsung hero. I understand no one will understand or have a clue of whatever I am doing, but I guess it is a tough and lonely journey - let's walk with no regret. :)
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Wear Trisuit
In previous resolution, I wanted to stop wearing trisuit and actually planning to sell it away but I have to be honest to myself - I really like to wear trisuit, bodysuit or tights because it makes me feel engaging especially workout and I just like the feeling of "hugging"/"fitting". I understand people will just judge and associate me for liking trisuit/tights with homosexuality.
I can't stop how you think of me, and I understand I have a disgusting, inferior and obscene body part which is a turn-off for many. Look! I am totally get it.
Resolution 2: Customised Attire
I will wear a top over my trisuit with anyone unless that person won't mind me in trisuit. If not, I will wear that for my workout with other people. When I am alone, I will just be my favourite and comfortable style.
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Picking Up Third Language
Last year I had planned and wanted to attend course for learning third language - Japanese. But I process slowly because money issue.
Resolution 3: Learn It Own Time Own Target
I will start to learn from youtube and some helpful links below.
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Make small plan to move forward :) Jia you!
Jeff
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