Continue from the swimming post (here). After realizing that I keep looking at certain people, I start questioning myself. Why do I do this? What does it mean? Am I weird? The more I think about it, the more confused I feel. People like to put labels on everything, and I don’t want to be misunderstood.
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| But deep down, I know it’s not because I like them in that way. It’s because I wish I could be like them. |
I envy the confidence, the admiration, the kind of attention they get without even trying. It reminds me of what I never had. No matter how much I work on myself, I will never have that kind of youth or presence. That reality stings. Seeing them brings back feelings I thought I had let go of, but they are still there, buried inside me. It’s not about wanting them. It’s about wanting what they represent, what I never got to experience.
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Even though I feel this way, I remind myself that it’s okay. The past can’t change, and I don’t have to be like them to be worth something. I know I have grown, even if I still struggle sometimes. Maybe I will never fully get rid of these thoughts, but I will learn to live with them. And instead of letting them make me feel small, I will use them to remind myself how far I’ve come.
Jeff
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