Hiking - Complex Self

Hi Blog,

Today was Saturday. Thanks for asking and show your concern about whether am I feeling okay after the unknown unmotivated feeling and the recent scam... 

Mr Sun and Miss Sky gave me warm welcome weather to get me to kick start...

to hike and reflect upon myself again...

I guess I should not delay

And get myself ready!

To reflect why am I unmotivated... So many uncertain trigger points but I shall start one.

Warm weather and I decided to hike all the way to the North because of some reason which I will reveal later.

okay back to my long-winded thinking progress... I won't use INFJ as my measuring or labels, I will just try my best to break down how I feel. For me, one problem which I just want to be understood...

I often feel isolated and misunderstood... I accept that fate of me (I am okay with it) so I always remind myself to give others a chance to be understood and trust they should be.

Usually, I will experience ghosting or distancing by others...

Just like this discarded fern with shield... No one will pay any attention to this fern... You may ask what is so special of this fern? It is just like any other ferns out there, right? Nothing special to this one. When I decided to spare some time to learn and understand them... I realised this fern is quite unique as it has a shield frond-liked leaf like staghorn but carry a fern leaf. I don't know its name but at least it was noticed and appreciated. I hope it won't die as it was trying its best to survive (it is not supposed to be on the ground).

Anyway back to the topic... While hoping to be understood by others... especially those who I treasured... But I also have to face their toxicity towards me and eventually I will close myself away from them... Which is not only added another layer of more misunderstanding by others and also, I will continue to experience/think that I am always be misunderstood by others.

Quora from Timothy Emmanuel Lim's sharing on INFJ men. (link)

What people can't really wrap their heads around is the seemingly contradictory behaviors that entail with their thought-processes. On the surface, it doesn't make sense that INFJ men can be largely objective and impersonal, whilst maintaining a sense of harmony and coherence with people. It is the juxtaposition of being among the crowd, but not with them that looks paradoxical to the common person. Imagine describing someone as social, but not social; sensitive, but insensitive; caring, but indifferent. If one does not grasp the nuance of this, an INFJ looks either bipolar, scattered, or inauthentic — though deep down, it actually makes perfect sense.

What a complex thought I got in myself... and who cares? Most people will ask me to discard such useless thought and be NORMAL like how others do. Smile and do whatever you like. I don't need others to assure whatever I am doing etc etc...

Oh yes! Just passed by this place. Today was the opening of Thomson Line! New train stations to serve people in Singapore and making the transportation more and more convenient.

Come back again... I tried to think through... and make into a few simple points of why I will be bothered.

I will make it three points will do.

1) Why I feel rather upset than motivated when others told me to straighten myself?

2) If I wanted to be understood by others then why I created another layer (distancing) from others?

3) If I dislike the feeling of being ghosting/distancing by others, then why I did it to others and even towards myself?

I will try to answer those. I can only think of one reason why - to protect myself away from toxicity by others and I don't completely shut myself out from others too.

I don't feel motivated when others want me to be motivated or positive... I feel totally misunderstood and my feeling/voice are too easily dismissed... there is a term for it, Positive Toxicity. (read more here and here if you want)

Like I am always reminded (since young) to STOP BEING AN EMO SPONGE and it is due to because there is SOMETHING WRONG with me, so I SHOULD CHANGE myself.

Honestly... it is quite suffocating... and yes, Blog... This is not the first time that you are reading this feeling from me. I have being trying my best to overcome myself with such issue since blogging. I tried many methods - one was to condemn myself... second was to feel numb with myself... third was continue to push myself forwards... lastly was just give myself some time out then come back again. It helped me greatly than if I just conformed to others to suppress/mask/hide my feeling.

Thanks Mr Sun and Miss Cloud. :) I can sense you are walking this journey with me.

Yes Mr Grasshopper. What are the signs of Positive Toxicity?

There are signs like: (Reference from thepsychologygroup.com)

1) Hiding/Masking our true feelings, trying to fit in the NORM or thinking it will go away like dismissing our emotions.

2) Feeling guilty for how we feel.

3) Dismissal of our experiences with "positive or motivation" quotes like a sale/insurance agent.

4) Brushing off things that are bothering me easily like as if I am not normal

To be honest, I understand every one of us is build, experience and learning differently... Most of my friends or whoever are just trying to help. 

Don't know why I feel pressurized whenever they tried to advise me...

Last time I was still seeking for a reason why I will feel that way... Now I think I am closer to the reason...

The main reason is because those who advised, are usually do not try to UNDERSTAND/LISTEN/KNOW me.

How do I determine whether they DO understand/listen/know me?

By explaining/assuring my intention over my actions/decisions before giving any advice/comment on the topic.

So... for those who don't... because most of them, they CARE and their words can be hurtful and highly demanding even though they don't see it from their perspective... Let me give you an example. When I am tired but yet I need to go for hike, yes I might seem hesitating... but I am pushing myself. Then one will want to show they can help me then comment (some examples), "Why go out? Why can't stay at home? Why spent time doing nothing? Don't waste time as you still look fat! Go to gym! or You must push yourself more! Go for longer distance! Do this or that to be better! or You see how others do? You see how successful he/she did etc etc...

Revise that statement again... Did you even ask how I am truly feel/think or even provide support or word of affirmation?

Another word too quick of judgement... Leave ZERO space for me to participate in the progress.

Back to the three questions: 1) Why I feel rather upset than motivated when others told me to straighten myself? 2) If I wanted to be understood by others then why I created another layer (distancing) from others? 3) If I dislike the feeling of being ghosting/distancing by others, then why I did it to others and even towards myself?

Oh My hot weather today...

1) Because I feel my voice was muted and require a lot of filtration with information which I need to learn to see their kind intention (even if it is not) and punished myself for taking it badly. I don't like to dismiss others due on my own perspective. 2 and 3) I recognised that I have my own selfish expectation, so I will learn to manage it and also protect myself from wearing myself by their comments. Usually most people will door-slam/ignore useless information but I learn to find gold from it. I am sorry if I hurt others like that but I have never ignored anyone completely.

After done hiking to North, I took this chance to ride the new train back home.

This opened up more businesses near my town.

I guess... I can't say my thought or action will be 100% correct but all I know is... Please spare some thought and ears towards others including me.

Because you think it is okay, doesn't mean it will /can work on me especially when one doesn't even put in effort/less effort to listen/understand/know before jumping into conclusion/statement. So sorry my blog... My thought and expression are flat and uninteresting; all over the places. I will look into this again one day.

Jeff