Principle of Mirror

HI Blog,

I decide to share with you a LONG Real life story and we had made a video related to this real life story (Chinese version)

For English Translation, read the whole story below. Credit to the one who helped the translation.
Things to take note before you read, there are many dialogues in the story and some English grammar errors (please show certain appreciation who had spent his/her time to translate such long story) , so do bear with me such long long story. believe me, you will learn a lot of things from this story.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Principle of Mirror

There was a woman by the name Chiusan Rongzi, aged 41 and met with a worrying problem.  Her son whom was in primary five by the name Youtai was bullied by his schoolmates.  Although, Youtai was bullied verbally but not beaten; he was ostracized by his friends as the black sheep, doing all the wrongs.  Youtai was very stubborn and refused to accept this instead commented that, “I was not being bullied at all!”  However, seeing the sight of his unhappiness worried Rongzi.  

Youtai’s hobby was base ball, but his friends rejected him.  It was that about two years ago, Youtai has made a bluntly mistake, his friends had rebuked him seriously, “You, this guy, is lacking in sport spirit!”  It is all because of you, that is why the other party has won by 3 points!” “You have caused us losing!” Rongzi gave a thought of this, Youtai indeed was not a sport talent, but he had his strength.  He is a kind and caring boy.  Rongzi felt that those other boys were too much, they have not noticed the good point of her son.  

As to Youtai, no one invited him to play was the most painful issue.  He got angry and became angrier towards Rongzi and threw tantrums yet refused to confide to his mother, his sorrow and loneliness.  Rongzi has tried all ways and methods to teach him, how to create good relationship among his friends.  However, Youtai would retort, “Fed up, don’t bother me.” Rongzi even suggested whether to transfer his school or not?  Instead, his son’s reply was that he would hate her forever if she even did that!

Rongzi decided to telephone his husband’s old classmate whom he has met recently on the street.  He is a management consultant, who is well verse in psychology, name Mr. Shikou.  “Now, I have an hour free time.  You can speak to me over the phone and I will listen, alright?”  Rongzi briefly described how her son was being bullied and ostracized by his friends and what has happened last night.  Mr. Shikou said, “I understand your sorrow, as parents, there is nothing more worrying than this.” 

Upon hearing this, Rongzi started to tears. Mr. Shikou kept quiet and waited for her to calm down.  Then, he said, “If you really want to resolve this problem, perhaps you need to find a solution to break through.” Rongzi said, “As long as this problem can be resolved, I am most willing to do anything. How to do?” 

Mr. Shikou said, “Well, let’s find a way.  First for sure, you must have some opinions towards someone close to you.” 

“Why said these?”

"According to psychology’s theory: When your loving son is being scolded by other, you will feel worry; because you are not grateful to someone you should be thankful of. On the reverse, you keep blaming this person.” 

“Why, what is the relationship between my personal affair and my son being bullied? Such, seem to be like a bit religious.” 

“It’s not wrong in this sense; I should say it’s categorized as psychology. It’s a natural law, which was discovered long ago by ancient man. Right now, I declare that I am without any religion or faith.” 

“Can you explain to me, this psychology’s natural law?”  

“Whatever happens in real life, the effect must with a cause.  That means what happen in your life is actually the reflective mirror of your inner thought. If without this mirror, no one is able to be cautious of how one’s look.  Life is like mirror, so as to see clearly the essence of every happening.  This enable us a chance to improve one self.  In whichever phrase of life, we are able to learn and grow.” 

“What have you seen in my worry?”  

“Because the result is: Your loving son is being bullied.  Thus, I reckon the cause must begin from: You have reproached someone close to you.  Must you response to that person who you ought to thank? To mention about those people who are close to you.  What is your attitude towards your husband?”  

“I feel grateful; my husband work laboriously as a trunk driver for our livelihood.” 

“This is excellence, but do you place importance in him? Do you respect him?” 

Upon hearing the word “respect”, Rongzi’s heart jerked, because she felt that her husband has shortcoming which despise by others.  Being an optimistic man, Rongzi feels that he is  “shallow and unculture.”  Rongzi is a university graduate but her husband is only A level, rough and vulgar; Rongzi has never hope that her grow like his father.  Rongzi revealed all her thought to Mr. Shikou.

“You evaluate a person by his education, knowledge or his degree of thinking?” 

“No, I never have so thought, everybody has his unique and strengthen” 

“Then why use such words – “uncultured”, for this reason, you despise your husband?” 

“Yes…… obviously is very contradictory.” 

“How is your relationship with him?” 

“My husband is very blunt and this agitates me easily; at time I will quarrel loudly with him.”

“What your husband thinks in regard to Youtai’s matter?” 

“I have spoken to him several times, but we have not heart to heart talk, I cannot accept his thinking or suggestion.  Probably, he thinks, I am the kind who does not listen to others."  

“I understand now, it must have a more critical reason, before you agree with your husband, you must resolve this problem.” 

“Is there a more critical reason?” 

“Yes, we need to find out the source cause of you not agreeable with your husband. What I need to ask, are you grateful towards your father?” 

“Oh! my father? Of course, I’m grateful.”  

“In your inner heart, have you ever thought: “I’ll not forgive my father?” Rongzi was stunk by this verse.  Indeed, she could not forgive her father! To recall, since in A level, she has constructed, an invisible high wall between her fathers. 

“In fact I have never forgiven my father. I am unable to forgive him.” 

 “It is so; I do not compel you to forgive your father.  But you can try to?” 

“At present, the root of the problem is not me and my husband, nor related to my father?”  

“Do according to what I said, you will understand.” 

“Then, what should I do?” 

“Please write the reasons which you are unable to forgive your father. When come to pain, you can even write “you idiot” or even very disgusted words; if you can recall any precise happening, just write it out. Blow out all your anger and pain in this paper, don’t be courteous. Blow until you are exhausted and cool down. Then give me a call.”  

Rongzi was suspicious whether this method will resolve her son’s problem?  However, instead of suspecting, just go on.  If any action was able to solve her current worry, she was prepared to undertake.  She did feel what Mr. Shikou’s said was somehow convincing.  After she hung the telephone, she started to write on a piece of paper of all her frustration against her father.  It began from the day, when she started picking faults on her father; he liked to nag during meal time and blowing his temper when he was upset. When drunk, he would grumble endlessly and inconsiderate of what I would be thinking.  

Moreover, father was a site foreman; he came home every day in his dirty attire.  His did not clean himself and take his meal in his unhygienic look.  This was disgusting indeed.  She remembered a sadder incident, whilst in her A level, she dated a male classmate on a Sunday, unfortunately, was seen by father. When she returned home was interrogated by father; as Rongzi told her parents that she was meeting a female classmate. Her father forbade his daughter to tell lie.  

Until today, Rongzi has not forgotten how her father had reprimanded her, “Your relation with that guy require you to cheat your parents in such a shameful way? I regard you as a flirtiest child!” In such a thought, Rongzi felt accused and tears streaming down her eyes.  “Dad, you always have such bad temper; that’s why I lied. Do you know that your words are so hurtful? You are not any righteous guidance too! This issue has caused me not to confide any other things to you. You taste your doings.” She wrote all her frustration in more than ten pieces of papers. Unknowing without any reserve, she wrote so much and cried out her heart bitterly until she was able to calm down her emotion.

In the afternoon past one o’clock, Rongzi called Mr. Shikou again.  “Have you written all your thinking?”  

“Yes, I did, completely all. I have a good cry and now I feel much better.” 

“Have you forgiven your father?”  

“Honestly, I have not reached such realization, but what I can do is willing to try. If I am able to forgive my father, I shall be very happy.” 

“Then, we shall try; to forgive your father is not meant for other, it is to free yourself.  Please get ready a pen and paper, write down this title: “Thank you my father; why must I thank my father?” 

“Foremost, he worked very hard in order to maintain our livelihood, due to his diligence, we are able to have food and mature.  Furthermore, when I was a child, he often used to bring me to the park and play.  That’s all.”

“Now, find another piece of paper, write down:  Apology to father, have you any things to apologies to your father? “  

“All of a sudden, I cannot think of any, it should be “I hate him in my heart but in my inner heart, I have never thought of No apology.”

“Never mind, if you have no urge to apologies. We can start from formality, please write down what just spoken onto the paper.” 

“I have written. You said start from formality, what should I do?” 

“Now, you need to pluck up your courage, perhaps in this moment, it requires your lifetime courage.  What action I suggest, probably is totally what you oppose, it requires your decision to carry out or not. Now, ring your father, tell him how grateful and apologetic you are.  If you are not sentimental, just read what you have written Thank you father and Apology to father, the content on these two pieces of paper.  However, while you are talking, it is alright for the listener to hang up his receiver.  How about it, try?” 

“In fact, I have brace up this courage which I have never before in doing this.  But, in so doing, if I am able to resolve all my worries, my courage will be worth; but this is too tough.” 

“Whether to do or not, it has to depend on yourself.  What I reckon is that, a person once in his lifetime must be able to acquire such courage to accomplish a certain thing. If there is no other issue, I shall speak till here. If you are able to do so, call me and I will teach you the next step, what to do.” 

Speaking about apology, it is impossible to have sentiments, as Rongzi always felt that the wrong was on her father; so how could her apologies unreasonably. It was just formality that she was able to accept, as formality may be accepted too. She decided to make an attempt which was beyond her imagination to come to this step. If without such an opportunity, Rongzi in this life was then unable to strike out a tele-conversation. After marriage, whenever she made a call home, if her father was to pick up the telephone, Rongzi would said immediately, “Is me. Is mother in?” In father’s heart, he knew clearly: Rongzi would not talk to him.  However, today she is going to talk to her father over the telephone, the more she thinks, the more hesitate she is. Rongzi determined to dial the telephone numbers, her mother answered. “Mum is me.” 

“Is that Rongzi, are you fine?” 

“Fine, is dad in?” 

“Oh? Your dad..? It is rare indeed, wait a while.”

A few minutes  while awaiting for father’s voice, Rongzi was indeed very nervous; all along she hated her father, but now she is going to apologies vide the telephone, it is impossible.  However, for her son, Youtai, she was willing to try anything.   

Father picked up the receiver and said, “What’s the matter? Finding for me?” Rongzi did not know what to said, she started nervously. “Ah!... I am thinking to say, I want to say, I have not say these to you before, but it is fine to tell you these, that’s why I phone you.  Dad, you have been working in the construction site, it is laborious. You work so hard in order to provide shelter and food for us. Dad, do you still remember, when I was small you used to bring me to the park to play? For such ? I have never thank you in any single word, therefore I would like to express my thanks to you. Nevertheless, in the past, I was always rebellious towards you, so I would like to say sorry to you...”  

On the other side of the phone, it was soundless.  To Rongzi’s surprise, instead her mother’s voice transmitted through the receiver. “Rongzi, what did you say to your father?” 

“What?” 

“Your daddy is crying bitterly, have you hurt him?” Rongzi was very astonished; she has never heard a cry from her father at all.  He is a tough guy. Despite of all hard work and all sufferings, father was able to endure; now he is weeping.  Hearing father’s crying through the receiver, thus Rongzi’s eyes were whooshing with tears. Father loves me more than I love him; nevertheless, I have rejected dad’s love, he must be very lonely. Unable to express own love to the children; it’s a torture and great pain.  Unknowing, Rongzi also started crying, her mother’s voice through the receiver… “Rongzi, tell me, what’s happened?” 

“Mum, pass the phone to dad, ok?” Father answered the phone, perhaps due to his cry, his voice sounded tremble, ”Rongzi, I am sorry, I am not a good father, that why you dislike me.” 

“Daddy, sorry, it is me that is no good. I am very thankful that you have nurtured me.”  Rongzi cried again, from the receiver, her mother said, “What’s happened to both of you? Wait till you are calm then tell me, I will hang up first.”

Rongzi sat listlessly for a while; she has hated her father for more than twenty years and has not forgiven him.  She thought that she was the victim.  Only looking at the disgusted side of her father; as regard to father’s love, father’s weakness, father’s clumsiness, all these she has never noticed.  How father has endured through all these difficulties? As a daughter, this has caused the worry and heartache to him.  Rongzi started to understand what Mr. Shikou has said, first by formality, true emotion and feeling would follow. While she was in thought, Mr. Shikou called, “Are you fine? I am Shikou.  There is something on just a while, we yet to complete our conversation, I am worry so I call to enquire again.”  

“I have called my father, luckily I made this call.  Thank you very much.  It is lucky to meet you.” Rongzi briefly narrated the content of her telephone conversation.  

“You are very courageous and full of admiration.” 

“I always consider that Youtai being bullied is the greatest problem I met.  Now I realized that by not forgiving my father is the greatest problem. Youtai’s problem has given me a chance to reconcile with my father, very grateful to Youtai for bringing me this problem.” 

“It is because of son’s confusion providing you to use your best effort to trail the source of this trouble.  It seems that you are able to use a more positive attitude to view matter. This is a kind of natural law.  Man is able to peer into the future happening. In fact, whatever problems encounter in life, are to let man notices the hidden agenda on importance events.  After all; all problems arise are with cause.   Disregard of what problems encountered, there must be an ability to resolve them.  It is only we are brave enough to face it and believe in the “power of love.”  

“Obviously it is, but Youtai’s problem still worries me.” 

“To resolve the problem requires your self reliance. Now, we have to analyze this issue.  You ever said, being parents, there is nothing more heartache that feeling helpless and unable to do anything for their children.”  

“Yes, as parents, you are no way to help your children to resolve their worries; there is no worst failure than this.” 

“I do understand your difficulties, but when you are shouldering such difficulty, there is another person undergoing such heart torment too. “I understand as my father and me have shared the same burden and suffered. I have finally understood why father has wept bitterly.”

“Actually, whether as son or father, your hearts are closely bond; Youtai’s attitude towards you is a reflection of yours towards your father attitude.  If not, it will be very difficult for you to notice your attitude towards your father.” 

“Yes, I blame Youtai for not confiding anything to mum?” 

“Now, can you understand a child’s emotion?” 

“Yes, when I was young, I dislike my father’s nagging on me and dislike his intrusion into me. In actual fact, he loves me but at that time, I felt burden; now Youtai is the same. My care has turned into his burden.” 

“When you were small, what type of father you preferred?” 

“Wish that he will trust me, hope that he will say”Our Rongzi is very smart! Well, indeed I have not trusted Youtai.  In my heart, I reckon that without me, what can a small child do? So, I used to question him this and that, always lecture him.” 

"Now, you can understand how father and son feel in their situation. We shall look into your husband situation. Do you remember what I have said, “Because of your loving son has been bullied by others, you feel trouble, this is because you have not been thankful to someone you ought to thank, instead blaming that person.”  

"Recall, at that time, I have spoken some disrespectful words to my husband.”  

“Now, let’s us start again, how you treat your husband?”  

“I always take that… he is an uneducated and shallow thinking person; when Youtai was being bullied yet he seems nothing happen, even his suggestion I am not going to listen.” At this moment, Rongzi suddenly discovered that her attitude towards her husband and father was so similar, so she said….,”It is the same attitude which I treat my father.”

“Exactly, for a lady her attitude towards her husband is always a reflection of her treatment towards her father; but from your words, I analyze that your husband trusts Youtai.”

 “It is indeed, I have to emulate my husband. The father and son can confide to one another, they can mingle together very well, I have not notice my husband’s strength.” 

“This thinking is correct, now’s your homework, to do or not, the decision is yours. Please get the paper, continue to write those words which you want to thank or apology to your fathers; then get another paper, write out “How am I going to get along with my father? “ This is where you can find out how to get along with your husband.  In addition, during the night, when Youtai has fallen asleep, gaze at him and recite a hundred time “thank you”. How is it? Give it a try.” 

“Alright, I will definitely try.” Not long after the telephone conversation, Youtai returned home. He behaved as usual, threw his schoolbag aside, picked up his gloves and ball, rushed to the park and play. Rongzi thought “Yesterday, he was bullied and chased by his friends, yet now he still goes to the park, what for?” Rongzi was very worried and decided to put aside the thought for her child, Rongzi’s thought was filled with a lot, a lot of happenings which required her to thank her father. She wrote…”Thank you my daddy.”

Father worked in the site, although it was very tough, yet he was able to tolerate and endure the hardship to bring home bread and butter for the family.  A few times, when I was young and running with high fever in the night, each time; dad was the one who drove me to the hospital. (Dad’s work was a laborious ones, it was so tiring to get up in the middle of the night!) When I was still a child, he used to bring me to the beach or riverbank to play, he even taught me swimming.  I liked to eat honeydew in my youth.  Each year for my birthday, dad would buy honeydew for me.  When I was bullied by neighboring children, dad would run to their home to reason out.  When I was admitted into the private university, he has not a single complaint but passed me the fees immediately. (At that time, my school fees, was indeed a great burden to the family expenses.) When I was selected and employed by a company, he was so delighted to even order sushi for us.  (Sushi was very expensive. But I just commented “I don’t like sushi” and I had not taken a bite.  Dad was very dejected.)

Due to his worry for his children might need cash to use in any event, father had opened an account for all his children individually.  Though, the saving was not much, but he made an effort to save monthly.  (On my wedding day, dad wanted to give this money to me.  However, I used the pretext “it is not convenience to bring the cash along”. I did not accept the cash instantly but let him transfer this money into my bank account.”

After completed writing all, “events require thanks”, in Rongzi’s mind, these were the words flushing “events require apology”, while she was writing, tears flowing down her cheek. “I was so being loved! Dad must have loved me so much despite of my disobedient.  I was trapped in “Not to forgive” this is the thought which imprisoned me and has not been able to notice his love.  Dad loves me so much, yet I have not compensate or done nothing filial to him.” Rongzi has realized that she does not respect his father’s occupation too. She identified her father working as a site foreman was not a “trendy, tasteless” occupation, until now, she then realized it was her father has been devotedly working hard as to enable her to receive university education.  Finally, she develops a respect and gratitude for her father’s work. She ever thinks that her father’s occupation is “tasteless”, also classified him as”uncultured”, this kind of detest feeling is exactly the same attitude she towards her father. In fact, she ought to thank her husband for many things.  

After a deep thought, she prepared a piece of paper, title: How am I to get along with my father?” In such, she immediately wrote down the following: “How am I going to get along with my father?”  I have to observe in the speech, conduct and behavior, of my father, there are full of love.  I am not a perfect person, thus, I need to understand father’s imperfect and clumsiness.  I need to thank him for all he has done. I must not insist for father’s love but need to care him (I must ensure to let him happy).  Moreover, I must express my dissatisfaction so as to establish an intimate daughter/father relationship. After finished writing, Rongzi suddenly discovered, isn’t that what she and her husband’s relationship? Because of the family, as a husband, he works hard; he is a life partner, holding hand in hand, heart to heart.  Instead she has forgotten to express gratitude towards him.  Perhaps, this is the first time that Rongzi has such devoted feeling for her husband, this feeling derides from her gratitude for her father. 

Today, just write out all these words of thankfulness to husband. Unknowing, Rongzi noticed that night has fallen; it was dark outside the house.  She remembered that she has not done almost any household chores, beginning from 9am she called Mr. Shikou, the whole day, she was fighting with herself.  “What happen to dinner?” While she was thinking of this issue, Youtai returned home.

“Hi, mum, tell you something!” 

“What made you so happy?” 

“Mum, do you know Dazhu? Yesterday, he was the one who used the ball and hit me in the park.” 

“Ah! Is that Dazhu whose like to bully you most?” 

“Just a while, when I was coming home from the park, Dazhu was there too, he said, “I always bully you, I am sorry.” 

“Is that true?” Rongzi felt this was simply a miracle, it must be the reconciliation with her father, it must be.” Rongzi wanted to spend more time talking to her son, so she ordered food, but before that, Rongzi told her son, “In the past, mummy has been very pushy, sorry for that. From now onwards, I will be cautious and not to be nagger.  If you do need mummy’s help, you must tell me. I trust my good son.” Youtai’s wore a smiling face, “I know, thank you mum!” 

Indeed, Youtai is always hoping that mum will trust him.  Youtai continued to say, “Today is very funny, good thing comes one after another.” Upon hearing this, Rongzi feels blessed.  In just a while, the food arrived.

“Mummy is going to wait for daddy to come back and eat together, you can have it first!” 

“Yeah..? Why? Usually, we eat first.” 

“Today, mummy intends to wait for daddy’s return.  Your daddy has been working very hard every day, returning home and eating alone the cold food, is very lonely indeed!”  

“Then, lets us wait for daddy too! We, three can eat together.  That’s the best.” 

“You are a good boy, just like your dad.” 

“Mum, you have changed.  In the past, you used to say that dad is not an understanding person.” 

“Oh yes, mum is wrong. Your daddy is not understanding but brave and strong……... he is a man of men.” 

“Didn’t you say, not learning diligently, in the future, you’ll be as useless as your father?” 

“Sorry, that is mum’s wrong.  Your dad’s work is so honorable; he helps many people, because he works so hard so that we will able to have such delicious food. I am very grateful to your father.” 

“Mum do you really think so?” 

“Ah, it’s certainly.” On listening what Rongzi has said; Youtai’s face was brightly glowed with smile. Children are respectful towards their parents, emulating their parents and grow.  Youtai has taken Rongzi’s words as permission granted for him to respect his father.  Is there anything more pleasing than hearing these words? A while later, her husband return, three in the family has their dinner together. Despite the cold food, seeing that his wife and son await for him to return, as husband, he was too joyful. 

While he was taking the cold dinner, he said, “It’s so delicious, very tasty.”

After dinner, while her husband was taking a bath, her son has gone into his dreamland. Rongzi looked at his tiny adorable sleeping face, her heart started to recite “thank you, thank you.” Unknowing, was the influence of this word; there was a stream of sentiment in Rongzi’s inner heart. “This is the child who has given me so much worries and it is him that I am aware of the greatest moment in life. All these seem to have guided me.”  Thinking of every happening, Rongzi felt that her son was liked a little angel, without noticing that her face was covered with tears. Today is a crying day.  

A moment later, the telephone rang, a piece of fax slipped through. It was mother’s hand writing, this was what she wrote, “Rongzi, I have heard your father narrating what’s happened today.   He cried while telling me the happening. Mum was cried as tears of joy. Your father said, “I have lived for 70 years, today is my happiest day.”In the past he used to drink before dinner but today he said, “Drinking is bad for his health, it is a waste! So he didn’t drink today.  My daughter, when are you coming home? We miss you."

Dad used to take a tiny cup of wine during dinner but today he didn’t drink at all…….. Words I said nourish dad’s heart! Dad’s health is no good but still drink because he feels lonely.  Rongzi’s eyes were filled with tears. 

“What’s happened? Why crying?” After taken his bath, her husband asked caringly. 

Rongzi then disclosed to him what had happened today.  I telephoned Mr. Shikou, in the morning I was happily venting my frustration and hatred of father on papers.  In the afternoon, I called father and reconciled.  “Oh, my old dad cried too!” On hearing, her husband’s eye rings turned red.  

Telling her husband, her son bully did apology to him. “Oh, it’s beyond imagination. I have not really understood what Shikou did, but as long as you are happy, that’s enough.” Then, Rongzi is in tears, apologies to her husband. “Thank you, hubby, thanked you very much.  Today, I am able to realize and be more respectful to you.  In the past, I have over look your goodness. I am so sorry.” On hearing Rongzi’s saying, her husband could no longer hold his tears and cry.

The next day, Rongzi described all happenings to Mr. Shikou, she thanked him deeply from her heart, but to learn that her husband had telephoned Mr. Shikou already.

“Today your husband has telephoned me.  My pleasure to have help you, I admire your courage and decisive conduct.  Most important you must endure and preserve. Wishing you to have an enrich happiness daily thought towards your father, husband and son. I will recommend you some books. I will fax you after I have listed them. I strongly recommend you must read these books.”

In that evening, something happened.  “I am home!” Youtai was running happily home. “Mum, listen to me! Today, those friends invited me to play base ball! I am going now!” Her son picked up his gloves; darting out happily. Once again, Rongzi’s eyes were filled with tears, her throat was choked, she could not utter a word, not even “Go and play.”

Faxed:Madam Ciusan Rongzi,Life is a mirror allows us to notice the surrounding important issue. Here, I wish to express my admiration for your courage and decisiveness in your action.  I have a little wish in that your recent experience may be of help to others.  I hope that while helping others, I will be granted the permission to share your experience.  Wishing you to your life shall be full of love, gratitude and happiness!

Shikou

WOW! I feel so happy I can post this on my blog. :D
here is some youtube links for Principle of Mirror (Chinese Version)

我们把身边的人事物境当作一面镜子，用这面镜子来反映我们的行为，心态和想法。例如说：你对人们自私，你会觉得他们自私；其实因为自己也是有自私的心，只有想到自己的感受­，所以他们也如此。

Jeff