Blog - September Overview

Hi Blog,

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just telling myself nice things… to avoid facing the truth. I talk about inner light, about self-worth beyond appearances, about being more than just a shiny armour — but deep down, part of me questions if I'm just trying to feel better. Am I just comforting myself with “excuses” while avoiding the hard truth that… maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe I’m not attractive, not strong, not successful, not special? I don’t say this for sympathy. It’s a real question I wrestle with. A part of me genuinely fears that I’m deluding myself, just to survive.

“I want that shiny armour too.” I can’t deny it. I envy those with confidence — those who walk into a room and are admired, even desired. I admire people like that “demigod” I once mentioned, who seem to be proud of every part of themselves. I look at them, then look at myself, and I feel so far behind… so out of place.

And yet, when I try to chase that image, something in me hesitates. I’m not just held back by laziness or fear. There are many reasons — real reasons — but most people don’t see them that way. They say I’m giving excuses. They say I’m not trying hard enough. They say I could be more if I just stopped “feeling sorry for myself”. I ask myself: are they right? What if my self-kindness is just a soft lie? I try to tell myself good things: that it’s okay to be different. That my value doesn’t depend on looks or muscles or status. That my quiet efforts still matter. But then I hear this whisper in my mind: “Are you just saying this to escape reality? Are you just sugar-coating your failures?” That thought breaks me. Because if I can’t even trust myself… who else can I trust?

1st Sep 2025 – To kickstart the first day of the month, today’s meeting was cancelled. That gave me a chance to tidy up my things and maybe prepare one of my overdue long posts… But in the end, I chose sleep instead. Too lazy! No wonder I’m fat…

2nd Sep 2025 – Lately, I’ve been feeling fat. I wonder how demigods or slim individuals feel when they’re always dressed in such tight, fitted bodies. What must it be like to feel confident and admired 24/7? Oh well, I shouldn’t overthink. I’ll just stay focused on building my own armour.

3rd Sep 2025 - Recently, someone mentioned to me that certain brands of clothing are only bought—or even “meant”—for the homosexual community. The idea is that if I buy or wear them, people will assume I’m one too. Honestly, I find it funny how people can think this way. Today, I wore a new swimming trunk and new underwear—not because I want others to label me, but simply because I want to look good for myself. I know I’m far from “demigod” quality, but why not wear something that makes me feel better in my own skin? I’ll save my deeper thoughts on this for a longer post next time.

4th Sep 2025 - Happy birthday to G! We managed to surprise her by tricking her into rushing to our little “birthday trap”. On top of that, today was also Teachers’ Day—celebrated with food, songs, and lots of photos. I look round and flat in most of the pictures, but I’m learning not to care too much about that. Sometimes it’s better to just enjoy the moment and the people around me

5th Sep 2025 - Today was a calm working day during the school holiday. I can wear relaxed attire to work, and in addition to white, I love grey as well. I don't know why, but the softness of the colour makes my entire outfit look like pajamas.

5th Sep 2025 – Speaking of getting a new swimming trunk from a certain brand, I ended up buying a bigger size white one because, well… I’ve gotten fatter. But honestly, wearing a bigger trunk feels so much more comfortable. Now I’m wondering if it’s time to sell away some of my old trunks… The only problem is I don’t know how to post it. I don’t exactly have the kind of body that would attract buyers, so maybe I should just keep them?

6th Sep 2025 - Former Lorong Halus Landfill
(Click here to read more)

6th Sep 2025 - After several attempts to coordinate this JB trip, we have settled on today's date for a straightforward shopping trip and a catch-up session with my colleagues. I have personally decided to budget my expenses and make a list of items I wish to purchase in the future.

7th Sep 2025 - Trisuit Theme #114
(Click here to read more)

But maybe… the truth isn’t either/or. Maybe I’m not where I wish I could be. Maybe I do fall short. And maybe I’m still allowed to be kind to myself anyway. Not to lie to myself — but to help myself keep going. To believe that even if I’m still a work in progress, I’m not worthless. I may not have shiny armour. But maybe I have a quiet, worn shield — scratched, dented, but still standing. Still protecting something gentle and true inside me. I don’t want to blind myself with lies. But I also don’t want to crush myself with shame. So I’ll keep walking that fine line — between seeing my truth and still choosing to hold my own hand through it all.

Jeff

Personal - Suits for the Theme #114

Hi Blog,

I’ve often noticed how compliments light up certain people — especially those who seem to shine like demigods. Their confidence, their looks, their achievements — everything they do seems to attract admiration. Some even grow stronger with each praise, as if the applause fuels them. And others expect me to respond the same way — to receive compliments with a big smile, to feel proud and encouraged. But to be honest, outward validation feels... tempting yet strangely hollow to me. It brushes against my skin but doesn’t sink deep. It feels like a mask I don’t quite wear.

Do I need shiny armour to prove my worth, or is there something else within me trying to speak?

This thought brings me to the idea of the “shiny armour” versus the “inner light.” The shiny armour is what people can easily see — appearance, charm, success, and humour. The inner light is quieter — it’s values, compassion, purpose, and resilience that others might not notice at first. As an INFJ and someone with a strong Earth influence in my Ba Zi, I tend to seek meaning behind actions, not just results. I’m wired to look deeper — to question, to reflect, to serve — and that sometimes means I’m slow to accept praise that feels surface-level. I don’t reject compliments because I am not comfortable with them. I reject them when they feel disconnected from my core — or when I haven’t yet lived up to the person I want to be.

Hiking - Former Lorang Halus Landfill

Hi Blog,

Today's post is a backdated one, as I went on 31st August 2025. I should space out my posts for different months; hence, this was a long post for August. Anyway, back to the topic.

Great weather! I was going to bring my waifu, but ZN needed my help with his hiking competition, so I went out to explore a bit before meeting up with him and his wife.

As titled, I will explore the former Lorang Halus Landfill. At the end of my previous post, 'Three Forests along Serangoon River', I saw a beautiful and possibly exploration-worthy place, so I decided to do it today.

Blog - August Overview

Hi Blog,

Lately, I’ve been tangled up in some heavy thoughts about confidence, self-worth, and where I stand in the eyes of society. People often say things like “just be confident”, “ignore the negativity”, or “you’re enough as you are.” These words are kind, but I find myself wondering… does it really work that way? Especially in a world that clearly puts certain people — the good-looking, the successful, and the naturally charismatic — on pedestals. The rest of us? We’re left either trying to catch up or slowly disappearing into the background.

Maybe it’s not about how others rank me but how I choose to respond to the rankings I see. I’ve observed two kinds of people who are completely confident in themselves, but in ways that made me think. One ignores all advice, even if it’s meant to help, and the other shines so brightly in the public eye that they no longer feel the need to reflect on their flaws.

Both seem powerful on the outside, but something inside me wonders if that kind of unchecked self-belief might lead to blindness. I, on the other hand, still take in what people say — good or bad. Sometimes it stings, but I try to use it to understand, not to hate. I don’t want to shut my heart just to look strong. Yet, this openness makes others think I’m weak or stubborn for not discarding the “noise”. It’s confusing… But I now realise confidence doesn’t mean rejecting every voice. It means choosing carefully what to keep and what to let go — and doing it with intention, not pride.

Hiking - Revisit Nee Soon House

Hi Blog,

I awaited ideal conditions and a suitable chance to undertake today's expedition – the Nee Soon house. (not the actual name) In the previous post, I attempted exploration but was thwarted by a sudden rush of diarrhea and was unable to locate the entrance.

Looking good today.

I had a feeling that today could be successful. I attempted to research the house online, but I only found pictures shared on Reddit. Nothing more towards it.

Personal - Fell into an Otter’s World

Hi Blog,

I still remember my first trip to Korea (post on 4th Oct 2024) — the cool air, the endless streets of little shops, and the way everything felt so new. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I saw them: two otter plushies, one light brown, one dark.

(credit unknown resource) They were sitting side by side on a shelf, like a little couple in their own world.

Two otter plushies were sitting side by side on a shelf in a tiny shop, tucked among other plush toys, vying for attention. I lingered there longer than I intended, feeling that strange, warm tug in my chest. It sounds silly now, but at that moment, I felt like I was intruding on their togetherness. I couldn’t take both home — not yet...

Personal - Suits for the Theme #113

Hi Blog,

There are moments when people give me compliments, but instead of feeling proud, I often feel uncomfortable or even undeserving. It’s always nice to receive compliments, or so people say. Friends sometimes tell me, “Jeff, you look good,” or “You’ve done well — be proud of yourself!” But for some reason, I find myself brushing off those words. Not because I’m trying to be modest, but because deep down, I don’t feel like I deserve them. A part of me wonders whether they’re just being polite, or if they see something I don’t. It’s not that I reject their kindness — in fact, I appreciate it — but somewhere deep inside, I struggle to let their words settle and truly believe them.

"I hear what you say, but my heart is still learning to receive it. I want to believe I’m worthy, but I don’t always feel it. Compliments touch me, but they don’t always reach me." (just some inner monologues) Maybe it’s not that I dislike compliments… maybe it’s just that I long for them to be real, grounded, and gentle — not loud, not forced, and not empty.

As an INFJ, I naturally crave authenticity and depth. I notice intentions more than words, and I value sincerity far more than style. On top of that, my Ba Zi chart shows a strong Earth element and very little Wood — which reflects a personality that is stable, grounded, supportive, but not one that easily absorbs praise or puts itself in the spotlight. I’ve grown cautious around compliments, especially when they feel generic or overly cheerful. Over time, I’ve learned that constant deflection of praise also comes at a cost: I start focusing only on my flaws, training my brain to ignore the good. I don’t want fake affirmation, but maybe I also need to learn how to accept sincere appreciation — in a way that still honours who I am. I don't need grand statements like "You're amazing!" — instead, I feel most affirmed by a quiet nod, a gentle smile, or someone saying, “Hey Jeff, what you did matters — it’s not flashy, but it’s meaningful.” That kind of praise feels real to me — because it recognises effort in a world that often only celebrates results.

Blog - July Overview

Hi Blog,

July always makes me reflect more deeply—maybe because it's my birthday month. Another year older, and I wonder, have I grown? Not just in age, but in how I carry myself through life? Birthdays used to feel like quiet reminders of my limits, but now I’m starting to see them as gentle invitations to check in with myself.

Looking back, I realise that self-growth doesn’t always look like big achievements. Sometimes, it’s simply learning to be softer with myself.

I’ve spent years criticising my own actions, trying to meet some imagined standard. But this year, I hope and want to shift from self-blame to self-trust—to honour how far I’ve come, even if it’s invisible to others. This birthday, I won’t make loud promises or resolutions. I’ll just choose to be present. Growth is not about being perfect; it’s about being patient. And if I can offer that patience to myself, maybe that’s the real gift of turning a year older.

Personal - 46th Birthday Reflection

Hi Blog,

Birthdays often come quietly for me. I don’t expect much celebration, but I’ve come to realise that each one is more than just a number — it’s a silent pause, a checkpoint. A moment to ask myself, “Am I still growing in the right direction?”

This year, I found myself thinking more deeply about growth — not just in terms of life experience but through a traditional lens I’ve started exploring: Ba Zi.

For those unfamiliar, Ba Zi (八字), also known as the Four Pillars of Destiny, is a form of Chinese metaphysics that analyses a person’s birth date and time to understand their elemental composition. Personally, I see it not as a fixed label or destiny but more like a reference point — shaped by scholars and generations of observation. It classifies tendencies, character traits, and preferred habits in how we deal with life.

Personal - Suits for the Theme #112

Hi Blog,

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of quiet thinking about something I’ve been struggling with for a long time — my body image and self-esteem. I’ve always admired those with great physiques. Deep down, I know it’s not just about wanting to look good, but about wishing to be accepted, loved, and seen by others. The tricky part is… even though I’m aware of this, I still find myself going back to the same thoughts: If only I had a better body, maybe I would feel more confident… maybe I wouldn’t feel so invisible. But the more I think, the more I realise — this isn’t just about muscles or looks. It’s something much deeper within me that I’ve carried for years.

Jealousy isn’t really about muscles. It’s about longing for love and belonging. It’s about feeling left behind, again and again.

Through some reflection, and after reading a very insightful piece online, I started asking myself: What am I really jealous of? The truth hit me — it isn’t the muscles themselves. It’s what they symbolise: attention, affection, and acceptance, all of which feel like scarce treasures in my life. I’ve also realised that even if I had the “perfect” body, my deep-rooted low self-esteem wouldn’t magically go away. In fact, it might make me crave even more attention or lead me to unhealthy habits just to keep that validation coming. So instead of fighting these feelings with more self-criticism, I now try to shift my focus inward — to care for my health, maintain my fitness gently, and practise contentment in small steps. It’s not easy, and it will take years to master, but this is my quiet work to do.

Hiking - Three Forests along Serangoon River

Hi Blog,

What should I do on Saturday morning? Of course, go hiking! Let's go! There are numerous locations to revisit to refresh my memory.

Plus, today is July 5th, and there are rumours that a massive earthquake will occur near Japan. Personally, life is still going on. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Worrying will not help the day, but I was worried about it raining heavily. Let's see how. So, where shall I go?

Personal - Swimming Theme #15

Hi Blog,

These days, I have realised how much shame and anxiety can arise from simply having an untoned, not-so-great body, especially when we are constantly bombarded with images of chiselled, god-like physiques online or in real life. It feels even heavier when I consider all of the qualities I lack—the ones that seem to be most important in attraction and social approval. I lack the "flex appeal" that some women seek to own or associate with, or, in other words, I do not have the type of body that automatically attracts admiration. And sometimes it feels like even my positive qualities, such as kindness or thoughtfulness, are overlooked when they come in this "meh" package like mine.

Funny how it’s not always the body itself that hurts most—it’s the meaning we attach to it.

People around me are constantly telling me to "just go for it," "hit the gym," and "if you really want it, make time." But it is not that simple. It’s not laziness—it’s life. I wish I had the time, energy, and resources to solely focus on transforming my body. But the truth is that I am not sitting around doing nothing. I swim, hike, cycle, and jog whenever I can fit it into my packed schedule. I even try to eat better, even if it means finishing food for others who cannot. I understand that having a toned body requires more than just exercise—it takes a consistent diet, targeted workouts, discipline, and maintenance. I am not dreaming as I try.

Blog - June Overview

Hi Blog,

This June began unexpectedly: my left ear became muffled for more than a week. At first, I thought it would go away, but it persisted until I saw a doctor. He explained that it was earwax impaction. I started the treatment and gradually adjusted to being half-deaf. As strange as it sounds, the silence in one ear forced me to listen more deeply to myself.

It reminded me of how I sometimes respond to the advice of others—half-listening. Not because I do not care, but because I know exactly what changes I need to make. What holds me back is how people frequently rush to judgement rather than trying to understand. I am tired of being labelled as negative simply because I open up. Maybe what I’m really asking for is not answers but trust and space to grow at my own pace.

I discovered that something as simple as a blocked ear can serve as a mirror for self-awareness. I do not always need to "fix" things right away. Sometimes I just need to be patient with myself, accept my flaws, and make room for quiet healing. If others don’t understand, that’s okay—what matters is that I am beginning to understand myself.

Personal - Five Days Korea Trip with my Mother

Hi Blog,

I decided to bring my mom on a trip to Korea — just the two of us. This is the first time I’m holidaying with her on my own, without friends or other relatives, and it feels both significant and a little intimidating. I wanted to make the most of this opportunity while we’re still healthy and able to travel together. My main aim was not just sightseeing, but also strengthening our bond, creating happy memories, and hopefully gaining a better understanding of each other. I believe this trip is an opportunity for me to show my mom that I care for her, appreciate her, and want to make the most of the time we have together.

Day 0 – Time to travel!

Before we left, I was worried about the potential struggles we might face. I know from our past that communication can be difficult — sometimes I feel I’m not being heard, or even that I’m misunderstood. This made me nervous about whether we’d enjoy the trip or if conflict might arise and spoil the experience. I was afraid I might become stressed or discouraged, rather than strengthening our relationship. Nevertheless, I chose to be brave, to appreciate the moment, and to do my best to make it a warm and meaningful holiday for both of us.

Hiking - Abandoned Nee Soon House

Good Morning Blog,

The owner of Chasingpeak showed me a new location, which piqued my interest! Based on the pin location, it appeared doable, so I decided to try. My only concern is that it is located on one training ground and may have people nearby, so I must exercise caution.

This morning felt really nice and uplifting!

I hope to be safe during today's exploration. I do not know why... These days, I feel compelled to inform someone who will look out for me in any way, especially in areas where there are fewer people to fall back on if anything goes wrong. Okay, now let us think positively.

Personal - Suits for the Theme #111

Hi Blog,

I’ve always been curious about who I really am and why I feel the way I do. Over time, I’ve explored MBTI and Bazi to understand myself better — my habits, emotions, and the things that seem to pull me back or push me forward. Recently, I attended a workshop that introduced me to something new: the Enneagram. It felt like discovering fascinating research for self-discovery. It helped me feel connected and see how everything ties together.

Everything feels connected now – my heart, my patterns, my past.

I took a detailed Enneagram questionnaire and found out I’m a Type 4 — Individualist. Describes people who experience emotions deeply, often feel misunderstood, and are always searching for meaning and identity. Really resonates with me. As a Type 4, I’ve always felt like I exist in a world that’s just a bit different from others — not better, just more emotional, introspective, and reflective. Sometimes I get caught up in my own feelings or struggle with not feeling good enough. Gaining more knowledge about it has made me feel less burdened compared to my past, and pairing that with being an INFJ, I can see common threads running through it all — my desire to grow, to help, to understand life more deeply, and to overcome the fears that quietly hold me back.

Blog - May Overview

Hi Blog,

Everyone knows I carry my own emotional baggage, which has made me feel unattractive in the dating scene and caused me to miss many opportunities. But what people may not realise is that my lack of confidence didn’t stem from the start—it developed over time from understanding certain realities... Most women have preferences for traits they seek in a potential partner, and once they make their choice, they rarely reconsider someone they already know well. Even those claiming character matters more than looks often don't invest time choosing someone like me. It’s not just about confidence; it’s about acknowledging the lower likelihood of being selected and mentally preparing myself to accept that fact early on.

(ChatGPT messed up my eyes; I guess that's how I looked! 😂) I once thought that accepting this reality would help me feel less hurt, that if I numbed myself to it, I could be happier. But emotions don’t work that way. The more I tried to force acceptance, the more I realised that deep down, I still felt the weight of it. Over time, though, I’ve come to understand that confidence isn’t just about external validation—it’s about how I see and value myself. Whether or not others choose me, I am still learning to love myself in a way that isn’t selfish but affirming.

Some people say it’s all in my head, that I’m overthinking, or that I’ve set myself up for failure by assuming women have certain expectations. But I can’t ignore the reality that even men with visible flaws or bad habits are still considered, while I remain overlooked. However, rather than dwelling on this, I’ve shifted my focus to something more meaningful: what kind of person I want to be. That is the validation I am learning to seal for myself, not one given by others, but one I build from within. May I be strong 💪🏼

Personal - Suits for the Theme #110

Hi Blog,

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on some emotional triggers that still affect me. One particular moment stood out during an overseas trip with my aunt and a friend. At the airport, as the tray system for luggage was jammed with long queues, I tried to help by passing used trays back to keep things moving. But when I moved my friend’s bag with good intention, I was met with the harsh comment, “Don’t act smart here.” That line, though short, stayed with me.

It wasn’t just the words—it was what they represented. That same phrase has echoed through my life, especially when I was younger. Whether I was moving snails to safety or quietly closing a lid that seemed out of place, my small acts were often dismissed as unnecessary or even silly. Each time, I wasn’t seen for the thought or kindness behind my action—I was judged from the surface, as if trying to do something good was something wrong.

What truly hurts is not being asked why I did what I did, not being given space to explain myself. I always try to understand others before I comment, hoping to see their perspective. Yet I rarely feel that same courtesy returned to me. Deep down, I just want to be understood—not praised, not rewarded—just understood with an open heart.

Trip - Australia D6 - Returning Reflection

Hi Blog,

Finally, my last post was about my first trip to Melbourne. However, most people thought writing a blog, especially what I was doing, was time-consuming and pointless. Most people will simply save the photos to their phone or somewhere else, where they will be kept and possibly forgotten.

It felt like a form of reflection, recalling, learning, and memory to me. Like, right now, first thing in the morning, I started packing.

While packing, I was reflecting on the entire process and feeling... If there is someone who can care for my plants, I will have to stay longer... Alright, let’s get back to the topic.