Hi Blog,
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just telling myself nice things… to avoid facing the truth. I talk about inner light, about self-worth beyond appearances, about being more than just a shiny armour — but deep down, part of me questions if I'm just trying to feel better. Am I just comforting myself with “excuses” while avoiding the hard truth that… maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe I’m not attractive, not strong, not successful, not special? I don’t say this for sympathy. It’s a real question I wrestle with. A part of me genuinely fears that I’m deluding myself, just to survive.
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| “I want that shiny armour too.”
I can’t deny it. I envy those with confidence — those who walk into a room and are admired, even desired. I admire people like that “demigod” I once mentioned, who seem to be proud of every part of themselves. I look at them, then look at myself, and I feel so far behind… so out of place. |
And yet, when I try to chase that image, something in me hesitates. I’m not just held back by laziness or fear. There are many reasons — real reasons — but most people don’t see them that way. They say I’m giving excuses. They say I’m not trying hard enough. They say I could be more if I just stopped “feeling sorry for myself”. I ask myself: are they right? What if my self-kindness is just a soft lie?
I try to tell myself good things: that it’s okay to be different. That my value doesn’t depend on looks or muscles or status. That my quiet efforts still matter. But then I hear this whisper in my mind: “Are you just saying this to escape reality? Are you just sugar-coating your failures?” That thought breaks me. Because if I can’t even trust myself… who else can I trust?
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| 1st Sep 2025 – To kickstart the first day of the month, today’s meeting was cancelled. That gave me a chance to tidy up my things and maybe prepare one of my overdue long posts… But in the end, I chose sleep instead. Too lazy! No wonder I’m fat… |
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| 2nd Sep 2025 – Lately, I’ve been feeling fat. I wonder how demigods or slim individuals feel when they’re always dressed in such tight, fitted bodies. What must it be like to feel confident and admired 24/7? Oh well, I shouldn’t overthink. I’ll just stay focused on building my own armour. |
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| 3rd Sep 2025 - Recently, someone mentioned to me that certain brands of clothing are only bought—or even “meant”—for the homosexual community. The idea is that if I buy or wear them, people will assume I’m one too. Honestly, I find it funny how people can think this way. Today, I wore a new swimming trunk and new underwear—not because I want others to label me, but simply because I want to look good for myself. I know I’m far from “demigod” quality, but why not wear something that makes me feel better in my own skin? I’ll save my deeper thoughts on this for a longer post next time. |
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| 4th Sep 2025 - Happy birthday to G! We managed to surprise her by tricking her into rushing to our little “birthday trap”. On top of that, today was also Teachers’ Day—celebrated with food, songs, and lots of photos. I look round and flat in most of the pictures, but I’m learning not to care too much about that. Sometimes it’s better to just enjoy the moment and the people around me |
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| 5th Sep 2025 - Today was a calm working day during the school holiday. I can wear relaxed attire to work, and in addition to white, I love grey as well. I don't know why, but the softness of the colour makes my entire outfit look like pajamas. |
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| 5th Sep 2025 – Speaking of getting a new swimming trunk from a certain brand, I ended up buying a bigger size white one because, well… I’ve gotten fatter. But honestly, wearing a bigger trunk feels so much more comfortable. Now I’m wondering if it’s time to sell away some of my old trunks… The only problem is I don’t know how to post it. I don’t exactly have the kind of body that would attract buyers, so maybe I should just keep them? |
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| 6th Sep 2025 - After several attempts to coordinate this JB trip, we have settled on today's date for a straightforward shopping trip and a catch-up session with my colleagues. I have personally decided to budget my expenses and make a list of items I wish to purchase in the future. |
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| 8th Sep 2025 – I was planning to go for a short jog today, but the bright evening gave me a different vibe, so I decided to stay in and work out with dumbbells instead. Turns out, I was right — the sky darkened earlier because of the season, so jogging in the dark forest isn't advisable. To make matters worse, my camera broke. Suddenly, I lost all motivation to continue exercising… maybe it’s just me blaming my lousy body for ruining the poor camera. |
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| 9th Sep 2025 – Sadly, my camera’s display screen is broken… I went down to the service centre hoping for help, but they wouldn’t entertain me without a proof of purchase or receipt. Sigh… since the warranty is already over, I guess I’ll just have to live with the inconvenience for now. |
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| 10th Sep 2025 – A teacher gave me a 1TB thumb drive that could connect directly to mobile devices. I thought it would be perfect for backing up the 40GB of photos and videos from my old phone. After transferring the files since morning, I realised only 12GB made it across, with many folders empty. My heart sank… it turned out to be a fake device. Most of my pictures were gone. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I was about to pass it to my sister for her important files—at least I found out first. Fortunately, much of my life is already documented on my blog. In a way, I became the “tester” who saved others in the office from the same mistake before we switched to new laptops. |
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| 11th Sep 2025 - I’ve been hunting for a magatama for some time, scrolling through countless listings, until I finally landed on a jade piece that just felt right. It has that balance and charm I was looking for, and somehow it clicked. With this, I now have three pendants that I really treasure: this jade magatama that carries a sense of balance, the trilobite fossil with its amazing details frozen in time, and the golden tree that reminds me of growth. It may not be a big collection, but to me, it’s just nice — each pendant has its own story and meaning, and together they feel complete. |
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| 12th Sep 2025 - With my camera screen broken, I’ve had to get used to using my Insta-remote watch or my phone to take photos — although the remote often won’t connect by the pool. The pool was crowded with swimmers and a lot of judgemental families, which didn’t help my mood after yesterday. I guess I just have to forget it, adapt, and move on. |
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| 13th Sep 2025 - Thanks to GY, my childhood friend, for inviting me to join his secondary-school circle for a badminton session. They welcomed me, slowly but surely — I felt accepted. If possible, I’ll try to join the group for badminton once a month. |
But maybe… the truth isn’t either/or. Maybe I’m not where I wish I could be. Maybe I do fall short. And maybe I’m still allowed to be kind to myself anyway. Not to lie to myself — but to help myself keep going. To believe that even if I’m still a work in progress, I’m not worthless. I may not have shiny armour. But maybe I have a quiet, worn shield — scratched, dented, but still standing. Still protecting something gentle and true inside me. I don’t want to blind myself with lies. But I also don’t want to crush myself with shame. So I’ll keep walking that fine line — between seeing my truth and still choosing to hold my own hand through it all.
Jeff
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