Hiking - Finding Myself Again

Good Morning Blog,

It will be a short post, as my friend, my ex-colleague, hiking-companion - Mr K asked me to hike with him after many months; he had been traveling to Thailand and busy with his life. As for me, I am looking back for myself again... kind of lost myself awhile, as my part darkness came and reminded me how lousy I am. (You can check out the first few days in the randomness post)

Trying to be strong and wish I am muscular... I know I can't be one... So at least I start to build something inside me.

My inferior complexity came back, I learned why I got triggered. It was when other people trying to remind, correct and point out my unworthiness which I wish to live over - sinking feeling like feeling lousy for unable to go to gym, looking fat and short, be an unwanted and associated nerd, living with a bad gene pool etc...

My trigger point is that I always to be "normal" and "loved" like others do, but I can't. (I understand the world doesn't revolve around me and not everyone will live/look the same.) I just want to be accepted by others like those well endowed, great looking Greek gods. Reality is real - I am not even match their tier.

To 'cure' myself - I have to console and pull myself up frequently... At time, I am dragging myself until I have the energy to move my legs. I had tried "forgotten and move on" method, one of the fastest way but not the best cure. I also tried "trying to do whatever to change" method, but it is just to change the superficial level of myself...

While we hiked, I noticed the path was foggier than usual (due to night rain) I learned one thing...

Is to Accept myself, Love myself and Live the Best of myself. (it is a new method that I decided to cultivate since last year) It is just like a new leaf and fragile, and the darkness is watching me.

I reflected back myself, I can't change how I look... the more I am trying to change that, I won't change the fact that I am still a ugly nerd trying to look good like a prince. Pump up some muscle in gym and don't care about how others look like, eventually I won't satisfy with the result if I gym, as I am a perfectionist so it is best that I stay away from Greek gods. I can't change my bad gene pool so I have to live with it. It seemed like I am just struggled on the surface/superficial matters. What about building something inside me?

Mr K is a care free person, he won't judge and just live what he can do or fight for.

It will not be easily resolved as what they said/commented. For those who had overcome, they won't correct you, they will accompany you. They will give you chance to shine and feed us actual positive remark/guidance than lecturing.

Like one of my friends, E said, "Life is short and beautiful. Love yourself and meet people that will love and respect you." He shared his view in life whenever he faces his daily challenges. At least, I don't feel lonely.

As I was having some deep thought, a dove flying towards the sky. Heaven doesn't need an eagle to spread his words, a small dove is good enough, then why do I want to be the eagle (mainstream) which other people fighting to be?

Due to deep thought, I lost my way... Hmmm... Where am I... If I lost my way, what I can do...

Just remembered the basic and I will find my route back.
That won't change the fact that I will be tired, at least I don't give up.

Jeff